Finding Gemstones

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt

2011-07-14T07:38:00.000-04:00

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Matthew 14:29-31
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I am a gal of reason. I love finding out more about life, the universe, and everything (a quick shout-out to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fans)-- discovering the ins and outs to how things work, why things happen the way they do, what is changing, what's staying the same, and so on. I want to know the facts of the matter.

Maybe you are like me, looking for proof beyond a reasonable doubt. That's the crazy thing about faith. It's mysterious, miraculous, not always defined by the five senses or a logical equation that explains exactly how X plus Y equaled Z. Sometimes it seems irrational, completely illogical. But reason and faith are both on the same pursuit - the pursuit of truth. I cannot explain the mystery of this grace, this forgiveness, except to share my experience and show the evidence of the hope that I have, to tell you that yes, it is true!

I can imagine Peter staring out across the water at Jesus. A reasoning human being would argue the laws of physics. Of course Peter doubted! That's what a reasonable person does in those circumstances. "Sure, Lord, I'll come... how about by row boat? It's windy, Jesus, I think I'll stay here in my boat. Don't you think you should be wearing a life vest? Hey God, don't you see the waves? Don't you know anything about the physical properties of H2O?" I don't know about you, but I don't even want to go out on a lake in a boat when it's windy, let alone step out of the boat and try to walk on the waves. Talk about seasickness.

Reason looks at the circumstances through the lens of reality-- my eyes tell me there's water out there, what I know about water is that I can't walk on it. But faith, faith asks you to trust in something, or someone, in spite of our instincts, to know and trust this guy because he has proven himself trustworthy and faithful. He's the kind of guy that has proven to be so good and real and true that you'll obey him, even when he asks you to step out of a boat and walk on water.

That's faith. Faith beyond a reasonable doubt.

Direction and Instruction

2011-07-04T11:38:00.000-04:00

I've approached the Bible many different ways since becoming interested in Scripture and God. My first attempt at reading the Bible began in Genesis and ended shortly thereafter in Leviticus. As a teen, I tried without success to find the section of the Bible where Thanksgiving prayers were located. In college, someone finally gave me a little direction in Bible reading and suggested I start in the New Testament.

I have often approached the Scriptures like a roulette wheel - I wagered that if I flipped open to a random page in the New Testament or landed somewhere in the Psalms, I probably would find something that spoke to me.

During more challenging seasons, I have been taught to read specific books and characters for encouragement and guidance and to read the Bible with purpose for the valley I was in or the mountain I was on. Now that we have kids, I've occasionally revisited stories in the Bible with them over breakfast.

It's tempting to let Bible reading happen more sporadically or to abandon reading altogether when things are going well, and when you feel like you've read it all before. Stories that used to inspire or that spoke deep truths to you once begin to lose their luster. It's hard to imagine miracle stories becoming old hat, but it happens - ho hum, big deal, water to wine. When this happens, I know I need to find another way to enliven my spiritual life through the Word.

In order to keep my reading, and by extension my faith, more vibrant and alive in this current season, I need two things: direction and instruction. I need a goal or a plan to direct me through passages of Scripture that I might not otherwise visit when I spin the roulette wheel of Bible readings. After reading, I need instruction, which varies in its appearance - instruction, for me, involves dialogue with my husband or conversing with small group members and friends about what I've read. It includes instructing others, specifically my kids, in what the Bible says.

I recently started using the Book of Common Prayer, available through YouVersion.com's Bible app, for daily devotional reading. YouVersion has a bunch of different reading plans available through their app, but this one appealed to me because of its historical roots. I am a big fan of it because the app pulls daily readings from all over the Bible, helps you track daily readings, and both the plan and the Bible verses are on my phone. I've been at it for about a week now, and each day has included psalms, a prophet, an epistle, and a gospel reading. The plan is 808 days long, so I won't be running out of readings anytime soon. Because the plan spreads out its Scripture references, I am able to start in praise and worship (psalms), move to conviction and confession (prophets), jump over to instruction (epistle), and end in example (gospels). I don't know if that's how the whole plan will go, but that's the way it is looking right now.

It's hard to make a regular, purposeful commitment to direction and instruction, for myself and for my family, but the rewards are immeasurable and substantial. Whatever method you choose to bring the living water of the Word into your life, I hope that you are able to do so regularly, so that you may experience in yet another way how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ (Ephesians 3:18).

Mamas and Daddies, Don't Drive Your Kids Crazy

2011-06-24T18:22:00.000-04:00

There are days in our household when our patience with the kids has worn so thin you can see straight through it to burning rage and frustration, and about the time the sun starts to set, that weather-worn sheet of patience just isn't enough anymore to spare our over-stimulated children from the wrath of bedtime. Oh, the sun doesn't set on our anger-- I'm pretty sure the kids know we're not happy with them after the fourteenth time climbing the stairs.

I don't think we're alone in our strife; there's a new book out for adults right now, written in the spirit of bedtime stories, called, Go the %$#@ to Sleep, that in spite of the language captures the essence of bedtime for many families. We're all tired, and somewhere, our kids have picked up a manual on classic manuevers to manipulate Mom and Dad out of going to sleep. Every kid has figured out that going potty, asking for a drink of water, requesting another book, hunting for the one stuffed animal, tucking in, begging for another hug and kiss or song or prayer, etc. will delay the inevitable shutting of the eyes.

The "Battle at Bedtime" boils down to one thing: thy will be done vs. my will be done. I want you to go to sleep, and you want to stay up. One of us is going to lose, and it isn't going to be me.

Your will vs. my will infiltrates every day life, but because of the Super Cape of Patience being sucked away in the tornado of the day, the war is especially heated at bedtime. When that cape disappears earlier in the day, parents everywhere find themselves exerting their wills over their kids whenever they have a chance. Being firm sneaks across the line to force. I know I've crossed the line from firm to controlling when I say no to requests like, "Can I take this toy with me in the car?" or "Can I put on this dress?"

I probably say "this is one of the hardest things about parenting" every time I talk about parenting, but I do believe this is one that ranks high on the list. When we ask for obedience from our kids, is it with their best interests in mind or is it simply because we want them to do what we want them to do? Why are we asking for obedience?

Ephesians 6:4 is explicit about how parents should instruct their kids. Here are two versions:

"Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord." (Amplified)

"Fathers, don't exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master." (The Message)

The Sarah version says something like this, "Mamas and Daddies, don't drive your kids crazy. Love on them, guide them in the ways of Christ, but don't beat them into the ground with your rules." We say over and over again that we want to rear our kids up in the Lord, but I don't think we know what we're talking about. Jesus didn't lay out a bunch of rules, after all, and he didn't guilt his followers into obedience. He didn't beg for love or deny them love because they screwed up. He taught them, disciplined them when they screwed up, and then gave them grace upon grace.

Honestly, it's easier to yell and scream than to follow Christ's example with our kids, but in terms of effectiveness, I think Jesus's way wins. Shocking news. Oh there are times I'd like to yell, Go the $#@% to sleep, for sure, yell instead "GO TO SLEEP!" but nope, surprisingly, that doesn't work either.

So, mamas and daddies, together let's hunt for our Super Capes and do what we can to conquer our own wills and try to do the will of our Father. God help us.

Mama and Papa Bear vs. Three-Year-Olds

2010-12-13T08:36:00.001-05:00

Click above to jump over to Driftwood, my personal blog, about my most recent parenting questions. :)

Lettuce Encouragement

2010-10-20T11:31:00.000-04:00

“Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:19-25

I am a big fan of salads. Especially salads with honey French dressing, shredded cheese, croutons, grilled chicken, cucumbers, etc. I’m an iceberg lettuce kind of gal, in spite of the nutritional value of the greener leafy veggies. Lettuce and other vegetables are an essential element to keep our bodies healthy with adequate nutrients and vitamins. I realize I ruin the nutritional value of my salads with that honey French dressing, but at least it has honey in it, right?

These verses prompt us to do a whole bunch with lettuce. LETTUCE draw near to God. LETTUCE hold unswervingly to the hope we profess. LETTUCE consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. LETTUCE not give up meeting together. LETTUCE encourage one another. Like I said, lettuce is a really, really important vegetable.

There are occasions in my walk with Christ and with the church during which I feel particularly encouraged, and there are other moments where I find myself feeling alone and deserted. Usually it has a lot more to do with where I’ve positioned myself than where God is or where the people of God are. These verses emphasize what WE should do as a community of believers—draw near to God, hold unswervingly (that’s without changing course) to the hope we profess, consider how we can urge one another on toward love and good deeds, meet together, encourage one another. There aren’t any “you’s” or “me’s” in these verses – it is a collective agreement between me and all y’all: US.

There are a lot of other elements to salads, all of which keep things tasty and interesting. Just like our walk with Christ, there are a lot of things we can add in to keep it fresh and fun—conferences, concerts, Christian music, blogs, books, etc.—but without the sustaining power of community and relationship with other believers to encourage us in our walk, all we’d have is a pile of cheese, croutons, cucumbers, and dressing. The kind of community that is demonstrated in these verses is an intimate, vulnerable, challenging, loving community. It is essential. We need lettuce.

Oh, look at that… lunch time!

;)

Tackling Fear and Discouragement

2010-10-13T09:48:00.001-04:00

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

“He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.” (2 Chronicles 20:15)

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged because of the king of Assyria and the vast army with him, for there is a greater power with us than with him.” (2 Chronicles 32:7)

The three verses above both talk about fear and discouragement. Do you ever find yourself gripped by fear or discouragement? Like the wind has been sucked out of your sails and you are stranded in the middle of a huge lake with no oars? Fear paralyzes us, blinds us to the path that God has set before us. When I am discouraged by my circumstances, I find myself fixated on my circumstances and my emotions. I want to shout out, “I’m afraid! I’m not going anywhere! I am stranded in this phase of life and YOU haven’t shown me any way out!” Our personal “vast armies” could be a dead-end job. A monotonous stay-at-home life. Unruly children. Infertility. Miscarriages. Trouble with your marriage. Difficulty finding a spouse. Feeling without purpose. Mounting stress at work or in class. A sick family member. A personal illness. Those vast armies circle, aim their arrows, and prepare to take us down.

But God makes three promises in the verses above: He is with you. It is HIS battle, not yours. He is more powerful than whatever it is you are facing. In the face of fear and discouragement, God commands us to be strong and courageous. How can we do it? “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6). One of the comforts I have rested in is that I do not need to understand the battle, I am called to trust and acknowledge God. That’s all. I’m not called to solve every problem – it is HIS battle. He will make my paths straight. I need to trust his path-paving and believe that He has a plan and purpose for me, even if it looks different than what I expected or takes a lot longer than I want to be accomplished. Jeremiah 29:11 promises that God knows the plans he has for us, plans to prosper and not harm, plans to give us a hope and a future. Our hope and our future may not look the way that we had expected. But what matters most is that He is with us. He is more powerful than what we are facing. And it is His battle.

For Freedom

2010-10-06T08:46:00.001-04:00

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” – Galatians 5:1

Freedom is a big deal in America. In our Declaration of Independence, the forefathers declare that freedom—liberty—is one of our unalienable (universal, moral, natural) Rights, along with life and the pursuit of happiness. If you look up “liberty” in the dictionary, every one of the definitions begins with “freedom,” freedom from rule, freedom from control, freedom from captivity. We care a lot about freedom.

It seems, too, that God cares a lot about freedom. I like that. Way to go, God, I’m all about freedom... that is until I look around at the world and wonder whether things have gotten a little out of hand. I’d like God to just take control over me, my circumstances, the suffering in the world, and just fix it all. Force love and obedience. Clean up the mess. Isn’t that what we ask of Him when our circumstances turn ugly, or when natural disasters strike, or when bad things happen to good people? Fix this! Look at this mess you’ve allowed to happen! What kind of a God are you??

But freedom is a double-edged sword. We choose to be good, and we choose to be selfish. We choose to feed the poor, and we choose to ignore the poor. We choose to embrace people, and we choose to put people in concentration camps. In order to fully embrace freedom and to understand to a somewhat greater degree the way God works is to recognize that if God compromises one part of freedom, the whole thing would fall to pieces. Being only a little bit of a slave is still being a slave. So God grants us freedom, recognizing that He’s taking one serious risk, that we will not choose Him, and that we will choose to remain a slave to our selfish nature.

Being a slave to our selfish nature sounds so baaaad, and I feel like I can kind of write myself out of that formula, like checking off that I’m not really into bestiality so I must be okay. But I think one of the freedoms we gain from Christ is clarity—outside of Christ, the choice between good and evil is often hazy. As a nonbeliever, I often felt directionless, confused, disoriented, unsure, and worried… about pretty much everything. Without the guidance of the Holy Spirit, it is sometimes difficult to discern what is real and true and good and beautiful. This, for me, is one of the yokes of slavery – the yoke of floundering around trying to find my own way outside of Jesus.

In Galatians, Paul is addressing a group of people who have said that Jesus is not enough for salvation, for freedom. They set up a Jesus+ system. But it is for freedom that Christ has set us free, not so that we should continue carrying around a burden of guilt, misdirection, wandering, etc. All of nature and humanity is bound by laws, but within those boundaries we are granted freedom. If we choose poorly, we pick up the yoke of slavery and are bound by the consequences of those choices. If we follow Christ, we walk lightly in his freedom.

So, believer, what are you beating yourself up over today? What are you carrying around as your Jesus+? Maybe a little of what Paul personifies in Romans? “We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do… What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:14-15, 24-25)

Hey soul sister, it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set you free! Lay it down before Him, whatever “it” is. Sure, ask him to cleanse your spirit, to strengthen and guide you, to lift that burden of sin you still carry. You will surely stumble along some more as he who began a good work in you carries it on to completion. But rely on him, rejoice in his freedom, and praise him for the good gifts he has given you through the holy spirit – like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. All of these are given you through the Holy Spirit.

Praise God for freedom in Christ!

Going on to Perfection

2010-09-14T08:53:00.000-04:00

“For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic elements of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food; for everyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is unskilled in the word of righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, for those whose faculties have been trained by practice to distinguish good from evil. Therefore, let us go on toward perfection, leaving behind the basic teaching about Christ, and not laying again the foundation: repentance from dead works and faith toward God, instruction about baptisms, laying on of hands, resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And we will do this, if God permits.” – Hebrews 5:12-6:3

Two things popped out at me in these verses this morning—the first is for the older believer (not in age but in experience with the Lord): once we’ve grown in our faith and learned the foundational principles of following Christ, it’s time to move on from these principles rather than rehash these lessons over and over again. We should move from students to teachers, not only learning the principles of the faith but demonstrating them through action and instruction. We should be living the faith daily, loving one another and loving God as we have been instructed. Like Philippians 1:6 says, God who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion – “let us go on toward perfection.” The foundation is only the basement. If we stay at the level of learning the foundational truths of God, which are important, we’ll never build up the walls, windows, and rooftops that show the world the dwelling place of God.

The other is for the new believer: you are new in Christ. It will take time to learn the principles of God, and to grow in faith, and this is granted to you. Thank God for his patience as we grow from bottles of milk to strained peas all the way to solid foods!

This Is How We Do It

2010-08-21T09:39:00.004-04:00

Every night before my daughter and son go to bed, they each ask me to sing. It's something we started a long time ago, besides praying together before bedtime, I always sing them a song. I do not have a good singing voice but they don't seem to care. Elvis is easy - he always asks for the same lineup of songs, but Lydia has gotten into the habit of asking, "Mom, sing me a different song." As much as I'd like to say I can "sing a new song unto the Lord" every single night, I'm just not that good at impromptu. I am amazed, however, at the number of song lyrics stored away in my brain. This was tested several weeks ago when some friends of mine in the MFA program asked me to sing "This Is How We Do It" with them at karaoke, and my recall of most of the lyrics surprised me and probably all of the people in the program.

Now, I'm not going to sing Montel Jordan to Lydia right before bed (I'm kinda buzzed and it's all because this is how we do it might not be the most appropriate lyric to sing to a four year old), so I have to dig into the more lullabaic songs. Lydia remembers when I've sung her something before, so this is becoming a very challenging evening affair. How did all of these songs get embedded into my head?

Reading The Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers has me thinking about the possibility of the Word of God being written on our hearts. In first century Christianity, Christians gathered together to worship and hear the word of the Lord read aloud. Because the letters of Paul and other early Christian texts weren't readily available to any person on the street - not just anyone could walk into a Borders and purchase their favorite translation of the Bible - these early believers memorized portions of the text so that it was truly "written on their hearts". They carried the words of Christ and of his apostles everywhere.

How many truths of God are written on your heart? For how readily available the Scriptures are today in print, I cannot say that they are readily available on my tongue, in answer to others struggles, concerns, or worries. As I go about my daily tasks at work and at home, there are countless times when I wish I could pull up that one thing that I remember reading once or twice about this particular issue, and oh, how it would be encouraging or helpful! Montel Jordan just can't help me out here.

Deuteronomy instructs us to "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children will be many in the land that the Lord swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth" (11:18-21).

When I was in high school, I was in the drill team and marching band. On the bus to an away football game, I remember some girls recording "Miami" by Will Smith. They would play and rewind the tape over and over again until they committed the words of the song to heart. The few verses from Scripture that I have committed to memory spring up like a water fountain when I'm thirsty and encourage me when I'm at my weakest.

The words in Deuteronomy encourage us to surround ourselves with the word of the Lord so that we might live and live abundantly. I don't mean digging into the Bible for obscure verses about begetting and whatnot. Where are the gems that have guided you and encouraged you in your times of need? Why not play them over and over in your head, like a song you really like, and commit them to memory. Not just for your sake but for your co-workers, your family, your children, and your friends, when they go through the similar trials and trying circumstances in life that you've already been carried through. Lay a foundation for your family, while you are at it, built on the promises of God.

Salt and Light

2010-08-16T10:20:00.000-04:00

“You are the salt of the earth; but if salt has lost its taste, how can its
saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything, but is thrown out and
trampled under foot. You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill
cannot be hid. No one after lighting a lamp puts it under the bushel basket, but
on the lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let
your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give
glory to your Father in heaven.” – Matthew 5:13-16

Are you feeling salty? How about shiny? Sometimes because of the great cloud of witnesses I’m surrounded by, I don’t feel particularly salty or shiny. My sparkle doesn’t feel all that distinct in a room full of sparklers (a quick shout out to all you vampire fans). But when we are in the world, suddenly we’re like neon, fluorescent against the dim and grime of lives without Christ. So let your light shine at WalMart. Let your light shine at work. Let your light shine on the road when someone cuts you off. Let your light shine on the playground with your kids. On Facebook. In class. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. The whole world is one big ministry opportunity. Turn on your headlights—it’s raining and you can really help to show people the Way.

Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline.

2010-06-03T20:26:00.003-04:00

Several weeks ago I found myself an hour away from home after a medical procedure wearing office attire, no change of clothes and no makeup. To recover, I planned to spend most of the weekend in Akron and Auburn where I could have some help with the kiddos while my husband was working. Thanks to my mom and mom-in-law, the clothing problem was remedied rather quickly. After the kids went to bed, I drove down to CVS to "fill a prescription," though I really didn't need the Motrin or the Percoset. Someone could use it someday, right?

While I was waiting for the prescription to be filled, I figured I could pick up a few essentials, like face wash, a toothbrush, and maybe a little bit of makeup. As I perused the L'oreal and Maybelline product aisle, I remembered that I was almost out of cover-up. Oh, and I just threw out that one shade of eye shadow I really liked. Ooh, mascara is on sale! Buy one get one! I can get a new shade of lipstick too!

After more than the allotted time to fill my prescriptions was up, I returned to the pharmacy with my fists full of shiny new tubes of make-up (and face wash, and tooth brush). As I lined up my products, I started to worry a little about the bill-- after all, prescriptions for pain medicine could be expensive! With relief, the pharmacist rang up the two prescriptions at the happily generic rate of $5 and $3. And then began the scan. Cover-up. Powder. Lipstick. Eye shadow. Mascara. If only there was that noise from a cash register calculating the cost while I watched my make-up tallied!

Hoping for a little sympathy from the pharmacist, I said, "Wow, make-up sure is expensive." And possibly one of the most Sarah-Plain-and-Tall women looked up, and with a bit of impatience said, "Is it?" and continued to scan my vanity. The pharmacist was not the wearer of the makeup. Maybe not ever.

One weekend. That's all it was going to be, and then I'd return to Ashland and my dressertop filled with the tools necessary to assemble my face. It didn't used to be this way! I used to wear no makeup during the summer, glad to have the glow of the sun on my face. I have pictures from that long ago era in history, and I didn't look so bad! What happened? Now, even on days off where me and the kids lounge around the house, I apply the layers that disguise the "real me", hide the blemishes and accentuate the characteristics I like the most.

After the pharmacist's disapproving response I began to wonder -- am I vain? Was this self-indulgence, or self-preservation?

Whether or not a woman wears makeup doesn't really matter - we have more important issues to deal with, heart issues. What am I trying to cover up, beyond the makeup, beyond the hair styles and clothing choices? Besides wrinkles, we have a lot we want to hide - trouble with a spouse, frustration at work, family crises, health concerns, financial struggles, school worries, insecurities - oh, how much is underneath!

When God sent Samuel out to find a king for Israel, to take the place of Saul, he warned Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). What does God see when he looks at your heart? Are you broken, exposed, uncovered, and humbled, a clear view for God into your soul? Or are you working hard on the outside to cover up the pain, brokenness, bitterness, and pride you harbor on the inside?

We heard Dan Lawson a few weeks ago speak on another verse: "If my people, who are called by my name, humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and will heal their land" (2 Chronicles 7:14). Lots of us have broken land. We need forgiveness. We need reconciliation with God. We need redemption. We need God to hear us. So, regardless of whether you are an easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl or plain Jane, open up your heart. Pray. Seek God. And repent. Praise God that he has promised to hear, forgive, and heal.

Baby Spoons and the Crust

2010-05-24T13:37:00.003-04:00

Blogged over on Driftwood... thought it might be of interest here, too. :)

http://driftwoodtumble.blogspot.com/2010/05/baby-spoons-and-crust.html

Shechem and the Boys

2010-02-18T21:36:00.002-05:00

The Red Tent by Anita Diamant spends about half of the book enlarging, expanding, and zooming in on the lives and histories of Jacob's family through the lens of Dinah, the daughter of Leah, mentioned first in verse 21 of chapter 30 in Genesis. As you read Diamant's book, it is important to remember that it is a work of fiction -- and I say that for two reasons. Fiction is a funny creature - it is ficticious, or made up, so in that way it is not a true story - it is not based entirely in fact. On the other hand, many truths are revealed in books of fiction. One can learn about forgiveness, redemption, loyalty, love, and character among many traits by reading and analyzing characters in a work of fiction.

Diamant takes many liberties with the biblical story of Dinah and invents true-to-life characters whose personalities and mannerisms are rarely and barely hinted at in the Bible. This is a good thing and a bad thing all at once. It is hard for me to imagine what these people might have been like, to remember that they were indeed human, with bodies and emotions and lots of time on their hands for eating, resting, working, etc. They weren't just begetting all the time, and books like The Red Tent remind me of that and help me to imagine life with Jacob's family. On the other hand, sometimes, when I read books like this, I need to be careful that I don't take that person's particular perspective as "the way it was" -- this is one person's interpretation which is influenced by her research, experience, and imagination.

--PLOT RUINER COMING UP: If you haven't read the book, you probably don't want to read any further yet--

So when we turn to the story of Dinah in the Bible and there's nothing said about Dinah's having been completely and utterly attracted to Shechem and instead, there's defilement, rape, and whoredom mentioned but nothing from Dinah's feelings, our self-evaluation of the text needs to come on (if you are the sort of person that is affected by books in this way). Is it possible that Dinah loved Shechem? Sure. Is it also possible that Dinah was raped? Yes. Beyond all of these questions, though, is the heart of the matter -- is it right to avenge rape by the massive slaughter of innocent people after having made an agreement to "right the wrong" that was done?

I don't need to go into details about what happened in Shechem, I'll just summarize. Refer to Genesis 34 for the full story. Hamor, Shechem's father, goes to Jacob and bargains for Dinah's hand in marriage. Jacob and his sons tell Hamor that he and his entire community have to be circumcised according to the custom of Jacob's family, and they agree. After all of the men in the city are circumcised and only two days into healing, Simeon and Levi sneak in to the city and kill Shechem, Hamor, and all of the men in the city, looting the houses and seizing flocks, taking the women and children. It's a horrible picture to imagine. Jacob scolds Simeon and Levi, saying, "You have brought trouble on me by making me a stench to the Canaanites and Perizzites, the people living in this land. We are few in number, and if they join forces against me and attack me, I and my household will be destroyed." In response, the boys say, "Should he have treated our sister like a prostitute?"

I have been rolling this story over and over in my head the last few weeks. Why is this horrible, horrible account in the Bible? What are we to learn about our human nature by this story? And what do we learn about God through this account? The Bible is filled with stories like these -- passages where God's chosen people do horrendous acts, and sometimes, it's hard to tell what the ruling is on the thing. For me this is one of those times. Who is "right" in their actions here - Jacob, who condemns the boys for their actions in the town because it was a politically uncool move, or Simeon and Levi who wanted to avenge their sister?

I did a search on this and found a fascinating analysis of this text on the website of Bar-Ilan University, located in Ramat Gan, Israel. The site is a project posting lectures on the weekly readings from the Torah. Check this out:

Simeon and Levi were well aware that they were about to spill innocent blood but they found a justification and ... permissibility because of their desire to take revenge. It follows that all the commentators whom we cited raise the same astounding point: One cannot explain away the massacre with the simplistic claim that "Simeon and Levi were barbarians". Quite the contrary, they were religious, intelligent, and knowledgeable in the Torah. The lesson is that even such people are liable, by virtue of excuses ..., to sink to a level where they are capable of wiping out an entire city without sensing that they committed a moral crime of the worst order. (Italics mine)

Wow. Can you feel the weight of that? I am sitting here, considering all of the ways throughout history we have justified moral crimes by claiming them in the name of Jesus. My heart is heavy with it. And then I turn to my own self. "So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" says Paul to the church at Corinth. What have I done that was hateful, sinful, hurtful, in justification for some harm done to me? What laws and rules have I lassoed and claimed unforgiveable, worthy of my revenge? ("Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord." Romans 12:19... which originates in Deuteronomy 32:35.)

A misunderstanding I had about the Bible for quite a while was that anything written in it - words and deeds - were given the stamp of approval by God. I hadn't read much of the Bible yet, but the parts I had heard were all good rules and guidelines for living, and I thought that's how the whole book was. I didn't read much in the Old Testament. People who know all of this better than I do can correct me if they think I'm wrong, but God does not condone the terrible actions of the characters in his book. They are there to show, first, the depravity of man as perhaps the what-not-to-do case and warnings for us, and also the unfailing love, patience, and mercy possessed by the God of the universe for his people. The saying, "the fact that God did not strike you dead right now is a miracle" is true - God's holiness and justice is married to his incomprehensible grace in the person of Jesus Christ. It is a miracle that Simeon and Levi were not struck dead on the spot. Thank God for his patience with us!

Jacob's boys, Simeon and Levi, don't really live this one down. At the end of Jacob's life, when the father bestows his final blessings on his descendants, he leaves the two with this haunting note: "Simeon and Levi are brothers -- their swords are weapons of violence. Let me not enter their council, let me not join their assembly, for they have killed men in their anger and hamstrung oxen as they pleased. Cursed be their anger, so fierce, and their fury, so cruel! I will scatter them in Jacob and disperse them in Israel" (Genesis 49:5-7).

Let me not enter into their council, let me not join their assembly, Lord - I do not want to be raging furnace of anger and bitterness, ready to lash out and consume those with whom I come into contact. Keep me from making excuses for my inexcusable actions.

That's it for Dinah, by the way. After Shechem, there isn't another reference to Dinah in Genesis until the end, when the names of Jacob's sons are listed, and Dinah is included -- "These were the sons Leah bore him in Paddan Aran, besides Dinah his daughter..." It's a rare thing for a daughter to show up in genealogy. I think Dinah's story is an essential one, and there is so much more to say or think about with it, but that's where I'll end for now.

Thank God for his mercy and everlasting love and patience!!!

Rachel, Rachel...

2010-02-18T19:55:00.004-05:00

Before diving in to the astounding account of the slaughter at Shechem, I want to take a minute to look at the remarkable interactions between Rachel and Leah. I spent a while last time thinking about Leah, feeling for Leah in the situation with Jacob. But I'd like to take a few minutes and consider Rachel. Both women wanted something -- Leah: Jacob's love, and Rachel: children -- and both seem to have been deprived of their desires, at least for a time. Rachel is jealous of her sister's fruitfulness, and Leah is likely jealous of the love that Jacob has for Rachel over her.

Let's consider this childbearing thing a minute: in Genesis 29:31, God's response to the situation is this: "When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren." By the way, "not loved" in the NIV is "hated" in the KJV, and the Strong's concordance goes so far as to say the word was used of one's enemies. Ouch. But enough of Leah for now -- let's compare 29:31 with 30:1 - "When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, 'Give me children or I'll die!'"

I like the way both of these sentences begin similarly: When the LORD saw and When Rachel saw. Isn't is interesting what follows? When God saw what was going on, he opened up Leah's womb. When Rachel saw what was going on, she devised a plan to get what she wanted. She didn't ask God to open her womb. Out of Rachel's jealousy, a plan was made to get Rachel children. This isn't an uncommon practice in the OT - Sarah gave Abraham Hagar, too, and you can go back and see how well that worked out for her! Rachel names her first son by Bilhah "Dan," which means "he has vindicated" -- he has judged her and heard her. The second son by Bilhah is "Naphtali" and about his name, Rachel says, "I have had a great struggle with my sister, and I have won."

Isn't it fascinating how children and childbearing are used to gain favor? Leah is battling through babies for her husband's love, and Rachel is battling through babies to one-up her sister. Neither woman seems to appreciate what she has.

We are jealous, envious, covetous creatures. Gimme gimme gimme!

Can you see and relate to the journey these women are on? As I mentioned previously through "Leah Considers Mercy," just by the names that Leah gives her children you can see growth; you can see her turning her eyes and her heart from the desire to be loved by her husband to the desire to praise God and live in his blessings. "This time, I will praise the LORD," says Leah in Gen. 29:35. And then she stopped having children.

I wish that was it with Leah. I wish she "learned her lesson" or was able to live in that place of acceptance, feeling that mercy, but once Rachel's maidservant starts having babies and Leah stops, the rivalry on Leah's side kicks into full swing. If Rachel's maidservant can have babies, so can Leah's! Zilpah, go on in with my husband, I want to irritate my sister!

What commences is this family battle to see who can have more babies. One thing I appreciated about The Red Tent was the space between children -- I could feel it a little more. The Bible does not go to great lengths to fill in gaps - it just skips the gaps entirely. Then this one was born, then this one was born, then this one was born... it's crazy! Ah, but there are months, years, that pass, and boy, aren't those months and years long when you are trying to conceive.

Which is where we find Rachel in verse 22, "Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb." Can you imagine your sister bearing six children of her own and all that time, nothing. Even if Leah had those babies one after the other, the least amount of time from first to sixth born is five years. Have you known Rachel's impatience, her grief, her envy, her longing, her despair? In those months and years of longing for the desires of your heart, it feels as if God has forgotten you. So much can be accomplished in the waiting, as painful, confusing, and disappointing as it may be. The Lord is doing a work in that time -- for we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us (Romans 5:3-5).

Those verses from Romans do not necessarily mean that by our suffering, persevering, and character developing that we will get what we wanted at the start. To be remembered by God might not look the way that we had originally planned. Earlier in Romans 5, we are rejoicing in the hope of the glory of God. It isn't the hope for the specifics of our circumstances that is the end result but rather the glorification of God through our circumstances (! - Do you think that's what it is?? I just typed it. I think so, but I'm kind of shocked by it myself!).

I've gone on a long tangent, but before I try to swing it back around, there are two cross-references in my Bible for this verse that I found interesting. The first is Genesis 19:29 in which God remembered Abraham and brought Lot out of the catastrophe that was Sodom and Gomorrah. "God remembered" and seems to extend mercy to Abraham by delivering Lot from the devastation of that city. The second is in 1 Samuel 1:19, "Early the next morning they arose and worshiped the LORD and then went back to their home in Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her." These two scenarios both feature God extending mercy and compassion to the faithful - Abraham in the first and Hannah in the second. The Bible doesn't say anything about what changed in Rachel, or if anything changed in Rachel, but consider this: Rachel had tried to gain boys through her maidservant and then she bargained with Leah over some mandrakes, which was a popular root intended to increase fertility. In spite of her own efforts, Leah had two more sons and then a daughter, named Dinah, and still Rachel bore no children. That's at least two and a half years from mandrake-trade to the birth of Dinah.

When you have tried everything humanly possible to conceive, or to get a job, or to find a spouse, or whatever it is you desire so strongly, and failed to achieve the end results, there are several things that I think happen: we become resigned to our situation. We give in. This can be a positive or a negative thing -- if we are aligning ourselves with God, we succumb to his will in our lives, whatever that may be, and quit trying to force our own ideas or aspirations to occur. If we aren't centered in that way, maybe instead of giving in to God, we just give up. Instead of finding the roadmap of suffering --> perseverance/patience --> character/(a specimen of tried worth) --> hope, our roadmap looks more like suffering --> resignation --> failure --> despair. Hope is the expectation of good. Despair is to be utterly at loss. We just don't know what to do. We're empty. What a contrast!

All of that to say I think that the cross-references to Hannah and Abraham are a hint that maybe God extended mercy to Rachel because she had made the long, arduous journey down the road of suffering and landed in hope. I can be even more confident of this when I read what Rachel named her firstborn son, Joseph, which means "may he add," to which she says, "May the Lord add to me another son." After all that time, all that waiting, do you take her statement as greed or audacious hope? I could be wrong, but I'm gonna go with audacious hope, and give Rachel the benefit of the doubt, Rachel, who is prophesied to weep for her children in Jeremiah 31:15 and referenced again in Matthew 2:18 after the slaughter of the babies in Bethlehem. (I had never read the Jeremiah passage, but I highly recommend taking a look at it - Jer. 31:15-20.) Rachel, to whom God says in Jeremiah, "Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded... They will return from the land of the enemy. So there is hope for your future... Is not Ephraim my dear son, the child in whom I delight?..." Ephraim is Rachel's grandson by way of Joseph. Audacious hope extends far beyond our immediate circumstances. Audacious hope is for God's glory.

Whew! Anyone make it through all of that?? ;) I am almost afraid to go back and read what I just wrote for fear it makes absolutely no sense. And I still haven't talked about Shechem! Next post! Watch out - I'm on a Bible-study marathon tonight.

The Red Tent: Jacob and His Wives

2010-02-10T16:07:00.003-05:00

I was fascinated by the way that Anita Diamant describes the relationship between Jacob, Leah, and Rachel. It was entirely unlike what I'd imagined taking place between them, so I'm looking forward to discussing your reactions to Diamant's account.

The biblical account of Jacob meeting Rachel and Leah begins in Genesis 29 with Jacob's arrival in Haran. He meets several shepherds by a well and then meets Rachel, Laban's daughter, who is a shepherdess. Jacob had been sent by his father, Isaac, to Laban's house in order to take a wife from their people rather than from the Canaanites. When Jacob met Rachel, he "kissed Rachel and began to weep aloud. He had told Rachel that he was a relativ of her father and a son of Rebekah. So she ran and told her father" (Gen. 29:12).

After a month of staying with and working for Laban, Laban asked Jacob what his wages should be for working for him. Here is the first mention of Leah: "Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older one was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful. Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, 'I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.'... So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her" (Gen. 29: 16-18, 20). The Strong's concordance for "weak" in relation to Leah's eyes comes up as "tender, delicate." I've wondered about the comparison here - the juxtaposition of Leah and Rachel is meant to contrast Rachel's beauty with Leah's "weak eyes" -- my impression has always been that Leah wasn't particularly unattractive, but she dimmed in comparison to Rachel's beauty. What do you think of this verse?

The seven years pass, and Jacob goes to Laban to claim his bride. "But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and gave her to Jacob, and Jacob lay with her... When morning came, there was Leah!" What!?! These few verses in Scripture have always puzzled me -- really, Jacob didn't know that it wasn't Rachel in his tent? It's hard to imagine that this sort of scheme could've been executed without protest from Leah OR Jacob. Anita Diamant reimagines the story and adds in her own version of the festivities, which humanizes the whole scenario for me, except that she veers so far away from the biblical account.

Regardless, here we are with Jacob and an undesired wife. He protests this union with Laban, who says that it is not their custom to marry off the younger daughter before the eldest, but what the heck, work for me for another seven years and I'll give you Rachel, too. To be fair, you can finish out the marriage week with Leah and then take Rachel as your bride, too. The week with Leah ends, and then, "Jacob lay with Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah" (Gen. 29:30).

I've tried to imagine what it must have been like to be the unloved wife of Jacob. I think back to junior high and high school, times when I had a crush on the same boy as one of my friends and that friend ended up dating him instead of me, and how sad/jealous/miserable/envious/angry that kind of passive or active rejection made me. And that was only in the days of dating -- how much worse when it happens in marriage. Perhaps the modern-day equivalent of the polygamous marriage is, at the extreme, extramarital affairs, and to a lesser degree yet still harmful, pornography's impact on a relationship. These kinds of distractions and intrusions into the intimacy of marriage destroy a woman's sense of security and sense of self. Oh, Leah.

God's mercy and compassion for Leah is demonstrated in the final verses of Genesis 29, beginning with verse 31, "When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren." In order to imagine what Leah experienced during these years, I wrote a poem that incorporates the assumed meanings of the Hebrew names of her first four sons', Reuben -- "he has seen my misery", Simeon -- "one who hears", Levi -- "attached", and Judah -- "praise".

Leah Considers Mercy
“When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved,
he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren.” - Genesis 29:31

On my knees in the dirt, I begged, Lord
I want to feel his kiss
hear whispers from his lips
but to my sister in law, sister of my blood
he cries, How beautiful you are, my lovely!
Not to me, not from him…
and then one came.
I named him Reuben: He has seen my misery.

I can feel the rolling hills raise up their crops,
tickle lambs’ feet—
years are grains of wheat,
harvests bountifully hollow, fall, frost.
Reuben crawls across the floor, his daddy’s
boy, but the door clicks shut.
I am not loved. The cord is cut
and Simeon: one who hears makes two for mercy.

What does she have, fairer skin? But not two sons
with wild hair, chasing
their father after dinner, waiting
under woolen blankets, sucking thumbs.
Not empty shadows, cold pillows, heavy silence.
My lover is hers—he browses
among lilies—I am not his.
I finger fields of dandelions: this strange abundance.

Reuben and Simeon dart out of the kitchen, call Dad!
when the door opens.
His hands hold them close.
Bread and wine on the table, I’m roasting lamb—
so hungry—eyes water, mouth dry, stomach grows.
Dinner’s ready and I’m famished
but it’s time, Levi: attached.
Three of him and me. Now he will hold me close.

Just like their shepherd father, my boys grow
tall and handsome.
On the run, Reuben
picks daffodils—it is spring and the meadow
is filled with yellow. This afternoon, Simeon drew
a stick woman smiling
and Levi is piling
blocks outside the house. I thought we were through,

but I have a fourth one now. He is here,
suckling at my breast.
For now we are at rest,
just him and me. Jacob, Rachel, and the boys peer
in, wait to see the son who has my eyes
and all his Father’s glory.
I know he’ll have a story
but it’s enough to hear him breathe. I name him Judah: praise.

The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

2010-01-30T11:08:00.002-05:00

"We have been lost to each other for so long.
"My name means nothing to you. My memory is dust.
"This is not your fault, or mine. The chain connecting mother to daughter was broken and the word passed to the keeping of men, who had no way of knowing. That is why I became a footnote, my story a brief detour between the well-known history of my father, Jacob, and the celebrated chronicle of Joseph, my brother. On those rare occasions where I was remembered, it was as a victim. Near the beginning of your holy book, there is a passage that seems to say I was raped and continues with the bloody tale of how my honor was avenged.
"It's a wonder that any mother called her daughter Dinah again."

Thus begins The Red Tent by Anita Diamant, Dinah's version of the story of Leah and Rachel and their husband, Jacob, of the relationships between mothers, sisters, and daughters under the red tent -- the place women went during their menstrual cycle.

In preparation for our book discussion on The Red Tent in February, I'd like to walk through the biblical account of the marriages of Leah and Rachel and what happened in Shechem. I think it will be interesting to look at this account vs. what is given by Anita through Dinah in The Red Tent, and consider these stories as they relate to us today. What can we learn from the relationships between these women? What can we learn about God from this passage of Scripture? What liberties are taken with the biblical account of Dinah's story in The Red Tent, and are they effective, troubling, or simply a literary device?

Lots to think about with this book! I'm looking forward to walking through some of the Biblical accounts of Leah and Rachel's lives and the lives of their children, especially Dinah who appears only briefly in Genesis, with you over the next few weeks.

Hope

2010-01-22T21:55:00.002-05:00

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Rom. 5:2-5) Hope.

It is what astounds me most as I watch the footage from Haiti - the hope of the people. The faith of the people. In spite of their terrible circumstances, in spite of the way the earth still trembles and shakes the foundations of their homes and schools even a week and a half later, their faith is not shaken. The believers of Haiti are wearing this verse like a cloak.

Christmas Cookies

2009-12-11T16:05:00.002-05:00

Christmas Cookies

This baking is taking

the fruit of some body

and mixing it with the fruit

of the earth, birthing

harmony in each small cookie,

Mary’s sowing, reaping, crushing, sifting,

the cow with milk to give, hen with eggs to fold in,

substance of life and life-giving blending.

Isn’t this season about celebrating

the melding of spirit

with flesh? Remember

our miracles blossom from trauma

and this baking is beating

ingredients, dividing

dough in heaping spoonfuls,

elements indivisible – egg and sugar,

wheat and water.

Bite in, lick the crumb from your upper lip…

Partake in this communion of saints

while the miracle still warms the wafer.

And now we are all here: laborer,

consumer, life-giver, hovering over a tray

of peace on Earth.

God's Utilization

2009-11-05T16:51:00.005-05:00

As a follow-up to the Gerard Manley Hopkins poem, which was written during an age, I think, when overt praise and religious neon signs were permissable, I thought I'd share a poem that probably won't see the light of day in any other forum. It's too cute. I like it, though, especially for its music and sincere but somewhat shallow praise. It's my kind of sappy.

So, without further delay, I present to you, "God's Utilization."

God’s Utilization

I stare bewildered at this sky
in hopes of lofty passersby.
Determined for some revelation,
I praise my God for exploitation.

The atoms in the atmosphere
compose a complex cloudy tier
of vapors written for the birds,
a sweet confession, hardly heard.

In these, the puffy, fluffy white
are held the fingertips of light.
From where a drop of rain once grew,
a tickled ray of gold pokes through.

And though the source sets in the west,
we are left a treasure chest
of colors, bold and pale ones, too,
to balance off the azure blue.

Evolving sky, how you amaze
when cirrus clouds pull their frays,
and thunderheads announce their tales
through mighty light and wailing gales.

What cumuli explode in puffs
of figures formed and bunched in tufts!
Combined exchange of fat and thin,
these clouds provoke a youthful grin.

And on this lazy, daisy day,
we’re left to pass the time away
by staring skyward, eyes alight
reflecting grace with great delight.

Gerard Manley Hopkins

2009-10-30T13:58:00.002-04:00

My, how time flies -- already the end of October! I am sitting at home wrapped in a blanket waiting for the furnace repairman to return and take care of my furnace. I appreciate times like these because it is so rare to have previously unscheduled free time. I paid some bills, played some lexulous, and now I am diving in to some Gerard Manley Hopkins, whose work has been recommended by a number of poet-friends as of late, and it is available online, which makes for easy reading. Here's one:

Gerard Manley Hopkins (1844–89). Poems. 1918.

13. Pied Beauty

GLORY be to God for dappled things—

For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;

For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;

Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;

Landscape plotted and pieced—fold, fallow, and plough;

And áll trádes, their gear and tackle and trim.

All things counter, original, spare, strange;

Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)

With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;

He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:

Praise him.

-------

What a delight to read! Love it.

Off to read some more.

Big Nose! Big Nose!

2009-10-17T14:19:00.003-04:00

This morning while my daughter and I ate our eggs, Lydia looked up and said, "Mom, you have a big nose." "Yes, I know, Lydia," I replied, and she said, "How small is my nose?" "Tiny."

I immediately thought of a joke my dad used to tell, over and over, when I was little. A man with a wooden eye was always really self-conscious of his eye. He had a really difficult time getting a date, but one night at a party, he saw a girl he thought might like to dance with him. She was attractive enough, but she had a big nose. Maybe this girl will understand me, he thought to himself, and so he walked across the room, still feeling self-conscious. Would she notice his wooden eye? When he finally approached her, he asked her if she wanted to dance. "Oh, would I!" to which he replied, "Big Nose! Big Nose!"

har har har.

Lydia was observing a documentable fact -- my nose is bigger than hers. She's three. I'm 27. It happens. At some point, the fact that I have a nose was turned into an opinion that it is too big, or too long, or somehow unattractive. "It's a nose!" I say to myself, "my nose! What does it matter?" But every now and again I catch a sideways glance in the mirror or find a photo taken at the wrong angle and I wrinkle up said nose and think, "ugh."

I think we all find ourselves self-conscious about something on us or in us. Sometimes the list is long, and it varies from day-to-day. Some items never seem to leave the list. Some feel like they've been there as long as we can remember. Someone or something in our pasts planted a seed of self-doubt that made us consider ourselves against an impossible standard: perfection.

As I typed that word, the verse from Philippians 1:6 came into my mind, "He who began a good work in you will carry it into completion until the day of Christ Jesus." "Completion" here shows up in the KJV as "perfect" -- and in the Greek is the word, "epiteleō" - perform, perfect, accomplish, finish, performance, make, do.

I think it is safe to say that when we are very young, our self-image is rather neutral. It is only formed based on the outside influences surrounding us - our parents, friends, and strangers shape and mold that self-image... for better or for worse. Our self-worth and self-image are determined first by what we hear and then by how we process it. Some comments are easily dismissed; other opinions embed themselves like weeds. As we grow older, that self-image is fed by repetition externally and internally.

If our self-image is slowly created by outside influences and our own bad habits of repeating those opinions, then the work of Christ is rebuilding that self-image in Him. Regardless of whether we have an inflated view of ourselves or a seriously deflated view of ourselves, God wants us to view ourselves in light of Him. If we are basing our identity on how we measure up to the world's standards, we will either be puffed up and egotistical, self-conscious and defeated, or crashing back and forth between the two depending on our own successes and failures. God tells us to find our identity in him. This isn't new - we were, after all, made in His image. The work of Satan and sin twists and destroys self-image and identity for every person. It is the redemptive work of Christ that renews and "perfects" us. (What does the perfect nose look like, anyway?)

Gradually, the standards for the proper dimensions of one's nose are rooted out of our conscious and replaced by the word of truth: Jesus says, "I designed you. You are mine. I made you in my image. I know you. I love you. I adore you. You are beautiful. I am making you holy. I have begun a good work in you, and I will carry it to completion."

Thank God - I don't need to be concerned with the size of my nose. That's not what he's measuring. In 1 Samuel 16:7, "The Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'"

Desperate Housewives

2009-08-30T15:29:00.005-04:00

My husband started working weekends from now until Thanksgiving and left last Thursday for Norfolk, Virginia. We've been trying to mentally prepare for these trips for the last few weeks, arranging child care for the Fridays when he is gone and trying to keep in mind that our time together as a family would be cut much shorter, but for good reason - the trips are a great second income for us with minimal interruption to the kids' schedules.

I think one of the more frustrating things about marriage is the way you can be totally on with your spouse for weeks and then all of a sudden... or at least it feels like all of a sudden, the communication lines are disrupted and something goes awry. Usually I'm able to identify a primary cause for the refraction - those "monthly symptoms," a disagreement, some disappointment - but the week before BW had to leave for this trip, there wasn't anything specific to which I could attribute the bitterness I was feeling, those ancient emotions of self-pity and desire for attention and affection that are rarely filled because I am hunting for them and watching for the missed opportunities. My sights were turned inward.

It is so easy to live in the place of self-pity and selfishness. How are my needs not being filled? What disservice is being done to me? Why aren't you paying attention to me? Other people think I'm awesome, so why don't you? Most of the time, the afflicted party (my husband, for instance) is oblivious to this shift in my mental state because I conveniently fail to share these emotions with him. You would think that the gift of writing would come along with a communication party favor or something. Instead of expressing my sudden and irrational need for affection/compliments/quality time/etc., I become sullen and bitter. I leave my husband bewildered. Now, instead of just one of us being miserable, the other one has the great pleasure of being confused and distant, too.

It's tempting to wait for BW to see how pitiful and needy I am and to become the patron saint of unconditional love and passion sweeping in on his trusty steed of virtue and adoration, rescuing me from self-pity and depression. Tempting, but usually fruitless. While my husband has his shining moments of charity and thoughtfulness, their gestures are reduced in significance when I'm begging for it. How much greater impact they have when I am simply loving my husband, by choice, emotion, or otherwise, without conditions or expectations.

It is really hard to get back to that place when I've dipped below the level of love and appreciation I typically feel for my spouse, but I must choose to love my husband unconditionally, even during those times when I'm feeling neglected or unappreciated. It is absolutely necessary to lay down my needs, stop being petty, and choose to remember why I love this man. Jesus didn't wait for the world to love him, he loved us first, regardless of our behaviors. And since that's the model we've been given, it's probably the one we ought to try to follow.

I'm not good at this. I'm much better at sitting around waiting to be loved and then being utterly disappointed when my husband doesn't warm up to the cold lump of annoyance sitting on the couch. Why on earth would he want to love on that?! I don't snuggle with him or compliment him or go out of my way to serve him when he's like that, so why would he make the effort for my sorry self? Only out of God's love can we love our spouses when they (or we) are like that, and the rewards are usually beautiful and lovely for both of us.

He's on his way home today, and having had three days apart in which to love on my kids, play in the garden, hang out with family, and talk to the God of the universe about my ridiculousness, I think I'm ready to act like a wife and love my husband again.

"Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others." - Philippians 2:4

For "Pushing Matchbox Cars," Click this :)

2009-08-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

Waltzing

2009-06-22T08:22:00.005-04:00

Sometimes the way we move about each other feels choreographed, we've been practicing it so long. It is a good kind of dance, where your partner seems to have mastered the steps and knows right when to lead, when to dip, when to spin, how to maneuver you just right so you feel as if this dance is really effortless.

It probably doesn't happen enough - most of the time, we fight to take the lead, would rather grapevine when our partner wants to cha-cha, and just when one person is warming up to the dance, the other just wants to take a seat and have a drink. But there are days when everything clicks into place and we're primarily interested in the welfare of each other rather than our own interests. This makes all of the difference.

Jesus said that the two greatest commandments were to Love God and to Love one another, but most of the time, we are wrapped up in numero uno - what can I get, who's serving me, how am I being left out here, what wrong has been done to me, me me me. As Toby Keith (that fountain of wisdom) has said, "I wanna talk about me, I wanna talk about I wanna talk about #1 oh my, me, my what I think what I like what I know what I want what I see..." That is where I reside most of the time, unfortunately, and also most unfortunately, this is where we are most unhappy.

But when we start getting down to the basics of loving God and loving one another, when we start turning our eyes outward to our fellow human beings as opposed to focusing on our own inner wants and needs, suddenly all of those wants and needs are minimalized and we can see the world much clearer. I think we tend to slip into a cross-eyed vision - not only can we only see the end of our noses, even that ends up distorted.

So back to this dance thing. It is necessary to practice the steps every day. Somedays, we'll be full of grace, our relationships will seem effortless yet meaningful, and we'll end the day content and relaxed. Other days, the dance is all work and no fun at all - your partner is difficult and so are you, but you have to suck it up, pour them a cup of tea too, determine to be happy that they switched the load of laundry and folded the whites even though the shirts aren't creased the way you'd like and the socks are all in balls rather than tucked neatly together. Because the basics Jesus taught, love God and love one another, aren't about feelings. It is about choice. Obedience. Commandment. These are conscious decisions, not flutters of heartstrings.

The next time you watch "So You Think You Can Dance," remember, those steps that look so effortless, the way the partners seem to glide across the floor as if they are one, that took hours of grueling effort, sweat, and patience. Let's invest that kind of energy into our relationships, so we can move as if we are one.

Adventures in Potty Training, with Biblical Application, Even!

2009-06-15T20:27:00.004-04:00

I have never been so proud of bowel movements.

We began potty training our son, Elvis, a few weeks ago. We eased him into the process with the convenient yet pointless Pull-Ups and their sneaky tricks to entice you into buying boxes and boxes of them under the guise of "potty training" when really, they are just absorbent underwear, diapers without velcro tabs. Annoying.

So after messing around with the Pull-Ups for a while, we decided to go all out. It was time to buy the underwear. Naturally, we made a big deal out of the "big boy" undies and their manly navy blue with baseballs and basketballs all over them, snagging a box of Disney Pixar Cars underwear for after he goes in the potty -- "Now you get to wear the REALLY COOL underwear!!!!" And thus, the pants-wetting began.

It was slow going at first - lots of walking around in wet pants as if nothing at all happened down there between his legs. We escorted him off to the bathroom every 30 minutes, kept him in his underwear and a t-shirt all day (no sense wearing pants during this process, people), and did our best to stay patient and calm... after all, this is a big deal, this potty business.

Some people have begun potty training their kids as soon as they can sit up, and I have to admit I'm amazed and envious. How?! The child can't even feed himself but we're pooping in the potty? Amazing. Absolutely amazing. We have not been so motivated - infancy was a time reserved for bewilderment and frustration ("Why is he/she crying now?!"), and adding in random and unpredictable trips to the bathroom to prop my head-bobbing child on a potty seat just wasn't going to happen. I am certain I would have let them tumble into the toilet. I know these things about myself.

Our goal has been to potty train the kids before two hits - that momentous occasion when children decide that everything their parents have ever wanted them to do was the most ridiculous idea they've ever heard, a phase that lasts approximately until the children have children. Elvis will be two in August, and we have many a vacation and road trip and wedding to attend in the next few months, so it was now or never.

There have been many marshmallows promised in exchange for pee. Bribery is not a tactic of which I am proud, but sometimes you have no choice - half a marshmallow for pee, a whole marshmallow for poop. The kid will have diabetes by the time he is three. The first time our son finally peed on the potty, it took him ten minutes of sitting there, resisting sitting there, and then being somewhat pinned to the potty seat by mean old Mom, but once E succumbed, crying, to having to pee on the seat, there was much rejoicing. I think I screamed. Hooray, Elvis! Great job little man! Elvis peed on the potty! Weeee! Lots of this sort of thing.

The first go-around is the hardest - breaking down the fear and confusion, dissolving the idea that pee and poop in the pants is the way we've always done it, what's wrong with it, what's the big deal - these are the barriers that must be overcome. Much like any bad habit or sin, the first phase is denial - there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing. And then we move into grief - mourning the fact that I have to give up the ability to go whenever I want, however I want... even though it stinks, literally. Later, there's repentance - okay, okay, I get it, it would be better for you and me if I did things your way. And finally, reward - we begin to see the benefits and advantages of doing things God's way... or the big boy way, in Elvis's case.

And it appears as if we have arrived. Tonight, Elvis pooped in the potty for the first time, ever. A momentous occasion - one wildly celebrated by everyone in the house. Marshmallows for everyone!

Shopping with Children

2009-05-26T20:26:00.003-04:00

I used to enjoy taking my kids shopping... when they were constrained to a shopping cart and infant carrier. Today, however, my kids are three and almost-but-might-as-well-be two, and shopping expeditions as a family only resemble fun if you like reshelving women's underwear and catching Fiesta dinnerware before it hits the tiles (why do they choose not to carpet the dinnerware section?). The kids want to touch everything, and more than that, they want to carry everything shiny and breakable around the store.

In spite of prior knowledge, the kids and I ventured out to Kohl's this evening to do some shopping. I had visions of obedient children dancing (choreographically) in my head and thought with a smile, what fun this will be! An evening out with the kids! And afterwards, we can go to McDonalds and ride home singing to VeggieTales. On top of the fact that I should know better, I had made a list - one of those powerful tools to conquer as much in one trip as possible. We are in wedding/baby/birthday/beach season, so I had a doozy of a list, and surprise surprise, most of what I wanted to buy was in the kitchen section.

I don't know what possessed me to conceive that this would be a good idea - three bridal shower lists in hand, I bravely herded my children through the aisles, adjusting detached mannequin limbs along the way. I am a fool - Proverbs 26 describes us (mostly me) - "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool returns to his folly." Why do we do the things we know we will regret later?

Weary-eyed, impatient, and dangling an angry toddler by the waist, we paraded most of the merchandise on the trusty list to the front of the store for check-out, me running through the eternal battle of "Do I really need two strapless bras, buy one get one half off?" and "I wonder if I could make it back to kitchenware to pick up one more bridal shower gift." Insanity, I know.

We made it out of the store, with me almost breaking the Fiestaware, all by myself this time. As I loaded the kids and my bags, it dawned on me that I will be back at the shopping center for a dress fitting, alone, this coming Saturday. Silly mommy.

Calendar of Events

2009-05-12T18:57:00.002-04:00

Women, I think, are natural planners. It's what we do - probably to a fault sometimes, but nonetheless, we're good at it. So Jody, Deb, and I got together to do some women's ministry planning and came up with a few ideas for the fall. Here's a quick look at what's coming up:

Monthly Events:
Mohican Hike and Picnic Lunch
Care Packages for Domestic Violence Shelter
Game Night with Nursing Home/Assisted Living Residents
Pampering Night
Ornament and Cookie Exchange
Movie Night
Tea Party/Brunch etc.

So those are a few of our ideas for the upcoming year - opportunities for us to get to know each other better, grow deeper in our walks with the Lord, and serve our community.

Also starting this fall will be a small group for college and young women. We'll be studying the fruit of the spirit through a study by Beth Moore, called "Living Beyond Yourself." This group will be open to any college or 20-30s women interested. It will call for a one year commitment. I am excited about this study and this opportunity to bridge the gap to a greater degree between the lovely women I know at 5 Stones and the lovely women I've gotten to know at AU!

Lots is going on at 5 Stones. I'm excited to see where the Lord will direct us to go from here!

Painting David

2009-04-05T20:45:00.003-04:00

I have been studying the life of David with my 242 group at AU using a Beth Moore study this year, and we are now coming to the end of David's life. It has been one exciting ride -- we've learned so much more about David than I think any of us ever anticipated, and through his life story we've discovered many truths about how God deals with his people - patiently, justly, sometimes mysteriously, always lovingly.

So usually I would be meeting with my 242 group right now to discuss David's latest escapades with his army general and the Philistines, but tonight we cancelled group because everyone is pretty stressed and busy with school, planning weddings, raising money... the business of living. Instead, I just finished painting. This is what we do when we have an itch for a change - it's time for a new coat of paint.

This color is really nice. The paint itself is a really good quality. We have two gallons of it - both mistints reduced to $5 each - and I painted the entire upstairs hallway using only half a gallon. That's some fine paint, and I think I'll paint the dining room (which is currently baby-poop brown/orange... or terracotta) and the stairway leading down into the basement the same color, just because it is such a nice shade. It's a mellow brownish gray color. I'm a big fan. Obviously.

Our house started as a relatively clean slate - every wall was flat, flat, flat white - and then there were cabinets that had been lacquered so many times they looked orange, carpet in the kitchen, lime green paint in the bathroom... your usual 70s era "improvements". We've slapped paint on nearly every room in the house now - just a few more to go. We needed to make the house our own, to cover up the scratches and marks we made moving in with a nice warm glow.

The problem is that as we've prepped for painting, things start revealing themselves, like the interesting bulges behind the white wall, or the old wallpaper painted over we discovered when unscrewing the curtain rods. Worse problems are the bulging tiles in the bathroom (we have a lot of bulging going on). Most of the time we spackle the holes and paint right on over.

I bet David wished he could buy a few gallons of paint and cover up the mess he'd made of his walls. I know there are seasons of my life I wish I could just paint over and forget forever, but painting over and forgetting the cracks and leaks doesn't get rid of the problem - it just puts a band-aid on it until it festers long enough to become a worse issue. David was really good at ignoring sin in his life and hoping it wouldn't come back to bite him... but it always did - with Bathsheba, with Tamar, Absalom, and Amnon, with Joab, and on and on throughout his kingdom and his life.

So often we are unwilling to confront the sin or hurt in our lives and instead put on a happy face. David did the same thing over and over again. Jeremiah 6:14 says, "They bandage the wounds of my people as if they were not very deep. 'Peace, peace,' they say. But there isn't any peace." We can make the surface of things look happy, clean, and peaceful but it won't matter much if what's underneath is blistering and infected.

Are there areas in your life that you've painted a fresh coat of paint on in spite of the water damage underneath? What deep issues are you avoiding for fear of the angry gardener's pruning shears? It is better to have that infected area of your life cut off then to let it fester and rot until the infection spreads to every other area of your life. David did not deal well with the problems in his personal life or the conflict within his family, and it affected his entire kingdom. Protect yourself and your "kingdom" - family, friends, work, etc. - from the consequences of sin, and let God deal with you now before the infection spreads. No more paint! :)

The Angry Gardener
“He cuts off every branch in me
that bears no fruit…” – John 15:2

The angry gardener sees
overgrown, untended beds
and seethes. He pulls
the waist-high weeds,
heavy in seed, and heaves
them to the compost heap.

And then the shrubs –
how they shudder
in his shadow, hand saw
pushed and pulled until
limbs quiver, surrender.

Pruners snip, his grip
is sweaty, tight, a frenzy
to the suckers, rose hips,
broken stems, spotted leaves.
The clipping never ends;
he is severe – takes away
more than one-third.

And then mulch,
fertilizer, buckets of water.
The landscape sighs,
breathes with the gardener
who stands back,
fists on hips.

God as Artist

2009-03-29T10:54:00.002-04:00

The Shape in a Misshapen World Festival of the Arts was this weekend. The event was sponsored by 5 Stones and brought a community of visual and literary artists together under one roof to celebrate creativity. It was the first time we've tried something like it, and I think it was a success. We had a decent turn-out for an arts festival (you never know with such things), and the readings all went very well.

I recently attended a presentation at AU by a scientist named Karl Giberson. Among many thought-provoking points he mentioned in his speech, he talked about the metaphors we tend to use to understand God. The scientific community often uses the metaphor for God as engineer, which is a very practical position; an engineer's job is to build things that run efficiently and accomplish the tasks they are supposed to. If we view God only as engineer, though, we miss other aspects of the creator God. Not only is God concerned with how the world operates but the emotional undercurrent of creation. God is also an artist.

Why is it that we call a rose beautiful and a dandelion a weed? Why do multiple species of birds singing together sound pleasant, while multiple people singing different songs sounds garbled and chaotic? Why do mountain peaks covered in snow evoke awe and wonder while snow on my driveway evokes annoyance? There is more to the earth than just a practical tool for survival. There are objects on earth that have both a practical and aesthetic appeal - and to appreciate the creator to a greater degree, we ought to also consider His creation as something complex, beautiful, and mysterious.

This weekend's festival was an opportunity to show how we try to find shape, or answers, in our misshapen world. Just like God the creator, artists are in the business of looking for deeper meaning in the world than just the practical systems that exist. The world resonates with emotion and spirit. Artists are looking for it everywhere. In regards to poetry, C.S. Lewis had this to say, "Poetry too is a little incarnation, giving body to what had been before invisible and inaudible." We are looking for the invisible and inaudible, so that others can see it and feel it themselves.

Missing Stuff

2009-03-10T20:26:00.002-04:00

So I had these big plans this last weekend that included Soulfeast, an audition to read poetry at the Columbus Arts Festival, and reading a poem for church Sunday morning. I've had these plans laid out for at least two weeks. I knew it was going to be a complicated weekend - my husband had work on Saturday and baseball in Cincinnati on Sunday - but I had it taken care of. Child care was arranged, I'd only miss one session Saturday and leave early Sunday to get back for church and the rest of the day would be easy peezy - hanging out with the kids and catching up on laundry.

And then I got sick. And then Elvis got sick. And then Lydia got sick. It has been nothing but hacking, vomiting, and nose blowing for days around here. I should have known weeks ago that the weekend wasn't going to happen - you know that feeling you have sometimes, like something is bound to go wrong? Well that's where I've been with the retreat/Brandon working all weekend.

Sometimes I think God lets us get sick so that we slow down, learn to say "no." I'm hoping to resurface into the land of the living tomorrow, but not before going to the doctor to hopefully track down a few antibiotics to kick this sinus infection I think I might have. Until then, sleeeeep...

License to Date... Your Spouse

2009-02-28T15:45:00.004-05:00

Last night I drove almost two hours to Toledo to hang out with my husband. At first this felt really silly of me - kind of pre-marital do-anything-to-see-your-boyfriend Sarah - but given that it feels as if we haven't seen each other for more than an hour each day since February 6, I was able to justify asking my mom to come watch the kids overnight so that I could meet Brandon for a late dinner and a night in a Days Inn just outside the beautiful... Toledo, Ohio. We enjoyed an expensive seafood dinner and a glass of wine each at a place that calls its side orders "accompaniments," and then went back to the hotel for the night (juicy details noticeably absent...). This morning, we went to Panera for bagels, like the good ol' days, reading the paper and making random comments, allowing the important conversations to perculate here and there. And then I drove back to Ashland and Brandon drove to Bowling Green for work, beginning Phase II of tag-team parenting.

We knew this was coming - this hectic relay race from the end of January to the end of April between my work and Brandon's baseball coaching and other contractual work and weekend retreats and roadtrips and conferences. I don't have to tell you how busy our lives can get - you experience it in waves as well - time ebbs and flows just like the tide. We schedule nearly every hour of this season on a calendar hanging on the fridge, in Outlook, on our phones - but sometimes, we forget to schedule each other in.

Some couples I know have picked a night during the week that is "sacred;" it is their night to do something together, whether it's dinner or bowling or shooting hoops or playing tennis... anything, just to have some allotted time together, away. I don't know about you, but even if Brandon and I are home together, there are some nights when it might as well just be one of us there separately - we don't talk, we veg out in front of the TV, he does his thing, I do my thing, and then we go to bed. Real inspiring. But if we force ourselves to actually go out, leaving the kids at home with a sitter for a few hours, that's two to three hours of sustained alone time, no distractions of dirty dishes, laundry, TV (for the most part), computer, etc., to keep us from talking.

For those of us who feel like we've gone on so long without engaging our spouses in any sort of conversation about our collective lives that sitting together over dinner for an hour sounds excruciatingly painful, that's probably exactly what we need. Scheduled time together with your husband can remind you why you love the guy, and that will feed into the oh-so-important sex life that has a habit of shriveling up during the busy season, too. Ah, sex. That's a whole other blog.

Why does this matter so much? God is a relational God - he designed us to be in relationship, with him, with others, and if he designed you to be in a marital relationship, then it's worth the investment of time and even money (heaven forbid we have to dish out $20 bucks for a babysitter so we can go out, when we spend that much buying lunch at Quiznos on any given weekday) to make sure our relationship is healthy. In turn, doing the same with God - setting aside time and remembering why you love him so much - works just the same.

Sometimes our marriages (and relationship with God) get pushed to the bottom of the priority list because, we say, the threat to lose it is much less than a job, our sanity, our health... whatever. But if we improve on sustaining our marriages, everything else will improve with it. There's one less stressor. Our marriages are the second-most important relationship on this Earth next to the one we have with Jesus Christ. How much more, then, should we invest in them?

Leah Considers Mercy

2009-02-25T16:08:00.001-05:00

Leah Considers Mercy
“When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved,
he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren.”
- Genesis 29:31

On my knees I begged, Lord
make him love me, I want to feel his kiss
instead of hear the whispers from his lips
to the sister of my blood, sister in the law,
How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful! Beloved, to me, only me…
and then one came. I named him Reuben:
he has seen my misery

My son… our child, a gift for a man
whose calloused hands are rough
on my back after this afternoon’s sun,
whose sunburned shoulders
carry two bales instead of one,
two… I will be loved now.

Reuben has his daddy’s eyes
and some of my father – the hands of a shepherd.
But I am not loved. I can feel the rolling hills
raise up their crops, tickle lambs’ feet—
years are grains of wheat,
harvests bountifully hollow,
fall, frost. Reuben plays on the floor
at my feet, I am crawling not loved.
The door clicks quietly in the night,
and Simeon: one who hears makes two for mercy,
for pity I am not loved.

What does she have? Not two sons
with wild hair, sucking thumbs and chasing
their father after dinner. Not two sons waiting,
sleeping, tucked under her blankets each night.
Not empty shadows, cold pillows and sheets,
this dense silence. My lover is hers – he browses
among lilies - I am not his – I finger the field
of dandelions with boys at my side,
wonder at this strange abundance.

Reuben and Simeon dart in and out
of the kitchen, call Dad! when the door opens.
His hands hug and hold them close.
Bread is on the table, I’m roasting lamb –
so hungry – my stomach swells,
eyes water, mouth dry. Levi: attached
Three. Now he will hold me close.

The boys grow tall and handsome,
just like their father. I watch Reuben
pick daffodils - it is spring, you know,
and the days are warm and bright.
Simeon finger-painted a stick woman smiling
and I taught him how to write M’s and O’s.
Levi is learning to walk, marching
like a soldier, and when he stumbles,
he doesn’t cry, only looks at me and laughs.

I have a fourth now. He came to me
three weeks ago, and he is beautiful -
he has my eyes and all his Father’s glory.
I know he will do great things, but for now,
he smiles, infects my soul.
I named him Judah: praise

Crater

2009-02-16T22:19:00.003-05:00

Wrap your atmosphere around me –
I do not want to be the moon, unable to deflect
even the smallest cosmic speck. I flinch and dodge
a million bullets in a meteor shower, yearn to watch
the light show at night without fear. Without you,
my surface is sensitive – I bruise at the slightest affront,
scurry away to nurse my hurt. If I must wear
the craters of personal implosions and exterior stonings,
dress them in deep blue water with stunning clarity
so that none may question why this happened
but only know that nothing so beautiful
and pure could come without pain.

Plant in my volcanic cavity a hemlock tree
so all will witness how you’ve rooted yourself
in my explosive fragility and called me strong.

The Baby Bug

2009-02-09T20:33:00.003-05:00

Okay, I admit it - I have the baby bug. A combination of recent baby showers, many friends pregnant, and my little man starting to talk and potty train has me thinking it would be fun to do this again. The major hitch in this equation is the husband.

The husband does not one teensy little bit even for a minute want to have more kids. He did at one time -- a long, long time ago when there were no kids in the picture, he was all in favor for a big family... like, 4+, and of course so was I. Am I. But he has been the one at home with our two children under 3 for Elvis's entire life, and half of Lydia's, which makes him justifiably against having any more kids... right now.

I have at least pushed the "maybe later" button, so that the discussion isn't completely sewn up. Maybe after Elvis and Lydia are in preschool, or maybe after he is in or done with graduate school, or maybe after we've got the timing just right... but nothing we have ever timed has actually happened in our timing. That's how it goes.

What complicates this wanting more babies thing for me is that we've been through three miscarriages, two c-sections, one difficult pregnancy and one difficult post-partum NICU experience. After the last miscarriage this summer, I was left with a lot of weird emotions -- the pregnancy was definitely not planned in the first place, I was on birth control, and Brandon was really not ready to have another child in the family. And then we miscarried and were left with sadness and relief and guilt about feeling relieved. I had never been on the "baby not wanted" side of the painting, and it was a strange, awful place to be, especially in light of where we have been in the last four years.

Prior to Elvis and Lydia, we had two miscarriages - one a partial mole pregnancy and another very early miscarriage (4 weeks or so). For the first time since I became a Christian, I was thoroughly pissed at God. Honestly. I couldn't understand why we had to go through miscarriage #2, when we certainly figured out what it felt like to lose the hope of a baby the first go-around. It was an empty, depressed, silent time for me. You know those times in your life when God is so quiet and your grief is so deep that you no longer feel the joy and peace and happiness that had accompanied your faith for so long? I was there.

Brandon and I wanted a family so badly. We started wondering whether I could ever "hold on" to a baby or if we would go through the loss and pain of miscarriage after miscarriage. In a women's Bible study at the time, our group was cross-stitching verses from Scripture on a weekly basis, and about the time I had the second miscarriage, we cross-stitched the verse, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart," and I remember pushing that needle in and out, in and out, attacking the cloth with my thread, "YEAH Right!" I said in my head, "DeLIGHT yourSELF in the LORD! What the heck does that look like?!" Did I mention I was angry?

After that second miscarriage, I couldn't find it in me to rejoice in the Lord, not the way you would think of rejoicing. But what I could do, and did, was list out ten things about God that I needed to cling to during that time of waiting, and healing. It was a list of promises God has made in Scripture about redemption, about how Jesus wept too, about how much he loves me, about salvation, about heaven, about plans and purposes. There are times in our lives when we just aren't feeling it. I'm just not feelin' ya, God. But in the midst of that deep pain and grief, God is there, and if we can't rely on the emotions of our faith during those times, we must rely on our intellect, and if our intellect can't get us there, we have to know in our souls the truths of the Word. We know he loves us, even if all of our circumstances seem to shout otherwise. He loves us, and he is continually working on us.

God pulled me out of my pit of grief slowly, gently. He let me heal at the pace he knew was necessary for that healing to be true. We can't just put band-aids on our wounds and pretend that our injuries are shallow scrapes when they are deep heart-wounds. It won't heal that way. We need to deal with the pain by letting God deal with our pain. I can't tell you how many times I shook my fist up at the sky and asked, "WHY?!" He never answered that question about those first two miscarriages directly, but he redeemed those losses.

Even though the pregnancy this summer wasn't planned, I was excited at the possibilities - concerned about my poor husband and his sanity, yes - but excited. So when we miscarried, I was sad, but the core of my being, the rock that is my salvation, was not shaken. Something between miscarriage #2, live babies, and miscarriage #3 rooted my faith more strongly than it had before. I can't disregard the fact that having two healthy children here to snuggle up with during and after that miscarriage helped soothe the ache, but I also believe that God did a work through all of that fight and grief, something to build me up in a way I could never have done on my own.

So now I'm in this new season again, this season of weepy-eyes when watching television and a baby, any baby, even Shrek babies sneak into the picture. This season of wondering whether I can convince my husband that more kids is a good idea. This season of contemplating whether wanting more kids is a selfish thing or a selfless thing, whether it matters, whether God will bless us with more kids, whether He has "closed up my womb" like he did in the Old Testament, whether our timing will be God's timing, and whether I would be okay with any or all of these possibilities. Right now, I think I would be okay with whatever God proposed, but ask me tomorrow and I might have lost all patience and sense.

Regardless, God loves us, whatever season of life we are in, and He has a purpose for us right this minute - single, married, widowed, pregnant, working, at home with kids, trying to get pregnant - wherever we are we are here for a reason. Cliche as it is, it's true. The trouble we have is finding peace and contentment in the present without losing hope for the things of the future.

FAITH-BUILDING ACTIVITY: What are ten things you know to be true about God, based on Scripture? Think about your current situation and see if you can find verses that speak to it, and if there aren't specific scenarios that come to mind, then what are some truths you can root yourself in, regardless of the situation?

Bride of Christ

2009-01-31T23:21:00.001-05:00

If you are anything like me, there are days when you feel like whatever it is you are trying to accomplish in life isn’t enough. Whether you aren’t doing enough to win or keep the heart of a man, working hard enough for a degree, loving your children enough, putting in enough effort at work, exercising enough, eating right, cleaning your house enough, relaxing enough, spending enough time with God… fill in the blank, I’m sure you can come up with other ways you feel like you fall short.

If we’re not falling short, we’re not sure whether we’re doing what we ought to be doing. Am I spending too much time at work and not enough time with my family? Am I staying up too late and waking up too early? Am I getting enough sleep? Am I getting too much sleep? Should I be single or should I be dating someone? Should I get married? Should I have kids or should I have a career? Am I serving enough? Am I giving enough? Should I give more? Am I stretching myself too thin? Am I being selfish? Am I being selfless? Should I be more sympathetic or should I be firmer? Am I working hard enough? Am I working too hard?

If we’re not confused about our state of affairs, we’re convinced we know exactly what God has in store for us, what we’re supposed to be doing. In college, my friends and I were going to classes to pass the time until we found a man, married, and could begin our real purpose on the planet – to be fruitful and multiply. Sure, God had given us certain gifts and talents; yeah, God had a plan and a purpose for our lives: we were meant to have babies. And that was it. That’s all we wanted. In many ways, we would have been happy living in the fifties.

Regardless whether you have been on the hunt for the man of your dreams so you could settle down and begin the work of baby-making or whether you have had your eyes focused on the PhD, CEO, or VP title, at one point or another, you’ve been sure of what God wanted for you. And then God laughs.

The women in Mona Lisa Smile all share one thing in common – their visions of the future ended up slightly or drastically different than what they expected. How do we come to grips with that? How do we face the harsh reality of a shattered dream? How do we respond when the man of our dreams never shows up? How do we keep going when the job doesn’t work out? How do we react when the babies don’t come? How do we keep going when the babies leave the house? What do we do when the wrinkles start showing?

When everything on the exterior is stripped away – make-up removed, hair undone, designer clothes turned in for some comfortable pajamas – and we’re honest with ourselves, what is left? What is left once we take off all of the roles we’ve adopted: mother, daughter, wife, sister, employee, student, grandmother?

God has always had a better design and model for women. Whatever our circumstances, each of us has a soul. We have been designed unique and are continually shaped into the image of God. Jesus destroyed the societal constructs against women throughout Scripture – he talked to the woman at the well when she was both a woman and a Samaritan – two big no-no’s in his day. He loved Martha and Mary, two women with drastically different gifts but both blessed to be in the company of the Lord and to discover themselves in his light.

What does it mean to be a woman of God? I think being a woman of God begins by trying to see ourselves as God sees us and not as the world wants us to see ourselves. The ideal image of womanhood projected by the world is that of power, control, youth, sexual appeal, dramatic beauty, a kind of do-it-all and do-it-yourself feminism, self-reliant, strong. The image of perfect womanhood provided by our culture is impossible to strive for, impossible to sustain, and does not bring any sort of sustained peace or joy. Reaching to become all things to all men and women will only lead us to despair.

But in Hosea, God promises that he will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. In Hebrew, “Achor” means trouble or despair. There have been many times when I have felt desperate – for love, affection, stability, peace, friendship. We can get stuck in those places and just keep looping through what our world’s definition of success and happiness is: getting what we want. What we are doing is worshipping the gods of this world rather than the God of heaven and earth. Hosea goes on to say that, “On that day, says the Lord, you will call me ‘My husband,’ and no longer will you call me, ‘My master.’ For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be mentioned by name no more… and I will take you for my wife forever; I will take you for my wife in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy. I will take you for my wife in faithfulness; and you shall know the Lord.”

How do we respond to the husband of our souls who has taken us in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love and mercy, in faithfulness? We know him – we spend time with him. We figure out what he likes and do special things for him. When I was getting to know the guy I dated before getting married, I thought about ways I could make him happy all of the time. As a new bride, I tried to be the best woman for my husband. As a wife of five years, I’ve gone through my own valleys of self-centeredness and I’m not always as focused on how I can be nice to my husband.

Our relationship with God is so often the same way – we get all hyped up on how much he loves us at the start and then we kind of get used to it and don’t try as hard to show him our love. But both relationships are a process – both relationships go through phases, seasons, valleys, and peaks.

Our lives are constantly in a state of transition. Fortunately, we do not have to be everything to everyone. God does not expect us to be worshipping at his feet and simultaneously preparing the meal – there’s a time for both. One of my favorite passages in Scripture that deals so directly with women is Proverbs 31. The Proverbs 31 woman is not one woman; I think she is “Every Woman”, like Joan declares in the beginning of Mona Lisa Smile.

The Proverbs 31 woman glorifies God – whether she’s a businesswoman, single, a mother, a wife, a grandmother, or a widow, or any combination of these at whatever phase of life we find ourselves. It isn’t that she is signed up on a half-dozen church committees, singing in the choir, leading a Bible study, or tithing every week. She glorifies God by her attitude, her servant heart, her wisdom, her kindness. Proverbs 31 ends - “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her a share in the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the city gates.”

Daughters (David Sherwood)

2009-01-27T11:12:00.000-05:00

From Dave Sherwood

How does a pastor see women in his church and the culture that surrounds it

Daughters

Daughters be careful to remember who you are
Because there are identity thieves everywhere
And they promise you, as they always do
Power, position, safety…

But do they tell you

The wonder of life growing in you
When you and a man become one
And god overshadows you
And you carry his creation
Into the world

That our Father in heaven is a good dad
The dad we never had
The dad of cuddles and teaching and healing and…and
So much more
So dance before him with abandonment
And cuddle deep into his strong shoulders

And don’t try to be a son
He has enough of those strange
Adrenaline riddled,
Rebellious,
Prodigal,
War-making,
Folk.

Be a daughter

Dance…cause most boys don’t dance well
Cry…cause your tears are precious to Fathers
Nurture…cause boys just build and destroy
They plant and harvest
They don’t remember to water
And if we all want some food to eat
It’s up to you

And forgive men
They are monsters at times
But
They have their own demons to wrestle
Help them find their own masculinity in God
By finding your femininity

And one last thing

Vogue magazine is lying to you
Stop trying to be an object for others and the fickles flowing definitions of beauty
Adorn yourself on the inside
With the feminine attributes of beauty

Because the pastors heart is torn

Watching you be enslaved to a culture that lies to you
And promises you so much
And delivers
Exhausted emptiness

Mona Lisa Smile

2009-01-27T09:46:00.002-05:00

This weekend, the ladies of 5 Stones and other women interested are invited to watch the film, Mona Lisa Smile. Afterward, we are going to break up into small groups and talk through a few discussion questions, followed by a short message.

The night before, I drafted some discussion questions for the movie, and last night, I sat down after the kids went to bed and began typing. I do my best thinking at the keyboard - don't ask me to think standing up in a conversation because I'm sure to fail. The main question on my mind last night was, how do I translate the roles and shifts in perspective that occur in Mona Lisa Smile into today's culture and the lives of women in the church? At first, I started by looking at advertisements and sitcom summaries to see what common denominators I could find here, but as I wrote a few paragraphs, the message I needed to get across still wasn't clear. No, no, no, that's not it! and I'd pray again, Lord, what do you want me to say about this?

Eventually, the problem surfaced - I was trying to look at the outside issues, like choosing between career and family, rather than addressing the heart and soul. This essential root opened up the topic for me. I'm excited to talk about what it means to be a woman of God this Saturday. I wrote a poem a while ago about the woman at the well that illustrates a bit about how God takes us from where we have been and transforms us in ways we could have never imagined, in the metaphor of a crocus.

The Merciful Gardener
“Come, see a man who told me
everything I ever did.” – John 4:29

It feels as if I’ve been buried here
forever, dehydrated, covered in dirt,

a crocus stagnant and frozen with scales
wrapped tight and tunic pointing skyward

waiting for signs of spring. And now
water trickles down, sunbeams warm the soil,

I can feel myself changing, breaking!
All I’ve ever done was wait and rot.

And then he – And then he showed me –
I am compelled to tell, can’t help but bloom –

Do you see how he knew just what I needed?
Do you see how he knew what I could do?

Faith, Family, and Electric Carving Knives

2009-01-19T22:03:00.005-05:00

This weekend the fam and I went home to visit our extended families, since it was a longer weekend. Family has become increasingly important to me (in my old age, ah ah ah), and I find myself longing to be closer to home. On my way home to Ashland tonight, I started thinking about home and how we relate to our family members those things that are most important to us.

When I first became a believer, I was gung-ho nutso about sharing my newfound hope with my parents, friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers, and pretty much any poor sap who happened to cross my path. I even entered into a scary debate with a guy on a sailboat in Australia about evolution. It was heated. I was irrational and emotional. It was embarrassing.

It can be so hard to show our love and how we've been changed by God to family, especially, because they all know we're not that great. It's a whole lot harder to fool family with our holy acts than it is our church friends. They know us too well to believe that God made it all 100% better and now we're a no-sinning saint. Ba-loney.

Anyway, I went on a Bible-buying spree. Anyone related to me got a Bible - birthdays, Christmases, I made sure that a Bible would be in-hand, and that it would be somehow user-friendly (study Bibles, women's application Bibles, etc.). I wanted to share the wealth of Scripture - I had found so many truths, so much hope, from its pages, and I just couldn't keep myself from gushing about God. It was great fun!

But, as I am with all things, I kind of got impatient with the Holy Spirit. They had these amazing books within reach and yet weren't taking advantage of them! I could picture these books sitting on shelves or stashed away in closets like the two electric knives Brandon and I got for our wedding - sharp, shiny, powerful, even, but completely unused and therefore rather useless, except for the special occasion - like Thanksgiving - when one might want to carve a turkey in electric super-speed, double-fisted vibrating knife fashion.

I found a Bible up in one of the bedrooms this weekend. I gave it to my brother a few years ago after I found out he gave his life to Christ at a youth retreat. It was still in the box - the gold-leaf pages still stuck together when I flipped through it. At first, you might think that this is a sign of disregard - maybe disinterest. I would have, if I had found it a few years earlier. But my brother isn't much of a reader. He's a listener. He cares deeply about people. And this weekend, I hung out with my brother and his fiancee for a while, and we talked about faith and God and the Bible and their church. We also line danced and laughed and had a few drinks.

What I've come to realize recently is that God has his own timing. God moves in people's lives in many, many different ways. Even though the physical Word of God spoke loudest to me as a new believer, others come to know him in other ways - maybe it is worship music on a Sunday morning that brings along some stirring in one's soul. Maybe it is the kindness and love of a friend that speaks ten times louder than the words in a book. Maybe it is "through the back door" as the modern poet, Mary Karr, says about her alcoholism and prayer and the Holy Spirit, first, and then Jesus Christ.

Whatever way it is, what is most important for me is that it does not depend upon me. It is the Holy Spirit's job to use us however he can, we just have to make ourselves available. What a relief it is to know that it isn't up to me alone to save family, friends, or strangers. The Lord stirs people's hearts in strange ways, and if we have made ourselves open to discussing the experiences we have had, it is a seed that the Farmer can sow, and one day, without our even being aware, there will be this amazing vine growing and showing off its fruits.

One last thought - if you are feeling discouraged or impatient with family in regards to spiritual matters, remember that even Jesus Christ's brothers doubted him, and it wasn't until after Jesus died and was resurrected that James became one of his own brother's disciples. Faith is a funny creature; there's no predicting how or when it will grow in someone's heart. What we can do, however, is follow Christ's commandment to love one another - can we do something so daring as to show love to our family members, those people it is so easy to disregard - mostly because they are stuck with us? And, pray. Pray, pray, pray. The Holy Spirit can work across the miles and in our own homes when we're sure we've done enough to annoy them with our holy-roller stories of how God is the greatest and I'm saved and you should be too so accept him already okay?!? As a consolation (LOL I had constellation before) prize, here's an electric carving knife...

The Stronghold of God

2009-01-16T14:44:00.002-05:00

For those of you who enjoy reading a book every now and then, the women of 5 stones are going to read through the book, The Stronghold of God by Francis Frangipane and get together to talk about the book Sunday, February 22 at 9 AM. It is just a little over 100 pages. In these uncertain economic times, it is always good to be reminded who are stronghold is. The book is only $6.05 used (including shipping) on Amazon.com - http://www.amazon.com/Stronghold-God-Francis-Frangipane/dp/0884195473/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1232134282&sr=8-1

Keep warm, ladies!

Amazing

2009-01-11T19:12:00.004-05:00

For no particular reason, I have been amazed lately. At everything. I can't seem to help myself - the snow falls and I think, "how amazing! It's white and fluffy and mutes the world and each flake is unique and it is just so stinkin' creative! How did he think of it?!" But I guess that's not so unusual - everyone looks at snow and thinks, neat-o. But there are some things that I've gotten hung up on lately that I think if taken to their farthest conclusion would render me certifiably insane.

For instance, our bodies. Have you ever thought about how cool they are? It takes foreign objects (like brussels sprouts and pork chops and sauer kraut), smooshes it all around in one organ with these chemicals and then takes the stuff that's in those foreign objects and uses it, magically, for the health and well-being of the rest of our body. And then there's the disposal system, which I won't go into here, but let's face it - it's pretty amazing too. Beyond food and that amazing process, there's what happens with blood. Blood brings all the nutrients to all of the other interdependent organs in the body. And, some of its cells fight the bad guys that sneak in with food and air and water. And, by some amazing process, the deoxygenated blood keeps itself separated from the oxygenated blood to and from the heart, which pumps non-stop, on demand at timely intervals from somewhere around two to three weeks of existence in the womb until the very last second here.

And don't even get me started on the brain, bones, joints, skin, muscles, five senses, spinal cord, lungs, liver, reproductive system. Besides the fact that they even exist and function, they grow! They heal! They change! They weaken and strengthen! They bend and wiggle and stretch and shrink!

It's amazing. AMAZING! The very hairs on our head are numbered. We don't have to look any farther than the fingerprints on our thumbs to see that we have been fearfully and wonderfully made, unique down to the microbiological level, with slight variations to make us different but ultimately half of the population could mate with the other half of the six billion people on the planet and create a fully-functional human with some new combination of chromosomes and DNA, with her grandma's curls, her daddy's blue eyes, and her momma's unusually shaped little toe.

I think part of this astonishment and wonder comes out of watching my children grow and learn. Elvis, my son, almost died when he was born because of problems with his lung development, even though he was full-term, and whenever he chokes on a cup of water, I remember those first few days. But thanks to the help of a bunch of healthcare physicians who were on the watch those first critical days and thanks to a miraculous Healer in heaven, who created bodies that can take on almost anything and still survive and thrive as if they had normal beginnings, he survived and looks and breathes just like any other 17-month old. It's amazing.

Lydia is just as amazing as Elvis - she has all of these words that come out of her mouth - phrases and word combinations and thoughts that are unique to her mind and heart. She has such compassion and care, such love and joy, and it just pours out. I certainly didn't teach these things to her - they are innate, stored up somewhere in her soul. And... to be repetitive... she's amazing.

I haven't even gotten into the other things that bring wonder and awe -- the seasons, the sunset, the earth and its solar system, the galaxy, the universe... zooming back in to the bees and pollenation, the trees and carbon dioxide and oxygen, the water cycle, the sea star, the sea horse, the grass... I could go on and on. I am in awe.

If you have a chance each day, think about something commonplace, something you've taken for granted. It doesn't have to be anything high and lofty - it could simply be the fact that you winked, or sneezed. Investigate it - what does it take to do this? Why do we sneeze? Why do we blink? How do we see, really? What is involved from a scientific standpoint? And then, once you've seen how complex that single process is, think bigger - cloud creation, volcanoes, earthquakes, oceans, ice, islands, palm trees, sand, rocks, stars, light, sound. And now that you've effectively overwhelmed yourself, think even bigger - all of this, everything and everyone, God created. God knows. God has touched. God has breathed the breath of life in each of us. God has the power to heal us of our deepest hurts and addictions. God has the power to be larger than the entire universe and yet more intimate than a lover.

Amazing.

Redemption

2009-01-09T22:22:00.001-05:00

The New Year is always a good time for reflection, a chance to take a look back on how the past year has played out. What did God teach me this year? How did I grow? Did I grow??

A few lessons and experiences keep surfacing for me in regards to this past year: one is redemption, and the other is wonder. I had the great joy of leading a small group of women for a few months through a study of David's life (at least the first part of it... we've got a long way to go this spring!). Lots and lots of bad things happen to David early on in his story - he kills a giant, he plays the harp, he writes some songs and poems, he is hunted by a mad king, his best friend is killed, he gets married (twice)... all while being secretly anointed the soon-to-be-real king of Israel. It's like a super-double-secret, too, because Saul turns into this mad man that tries to kill David every chance he gets, and when David gets the chance to kill him he doesn't. It's craziness.

All this to say that a TON of junk happens in David's life, early on, and it left many of us in our study dumbfounded. What is going on here? Why do bad things happen to good people? It's the same old question we've heard hundreds of times, maybe even thousands of times. And then I think the most enlightening conversation I've had this year happened with one of the young women in my study.

The fiance of one of her friends died unexpectedly shortly before their wedding, and friends who were doing their best to console her said, "God works in mysterious ways... It must have been his time..." and her friend railed against this in grief and anger, saying, "NO - God did not kill my fiance in a car accident; God does not cause evil to happen so that he can do something good. He takes that something evil and awful and is able to turn it for good, in spite of the devil's handiwork." And I was like YES. That's it. Redemption.

God does not cause bad things to happen so that he can do something good. Bad things happen. Evil is in the world and its handymen are doing everything they can to turn our hearts away from God, and yet, and yet, God always sticks around after the rioters have come in and ravaged our hearts. He sits quietly, sometimes so silent we're not even sure he's there in the midst of that overwhelming grief and sorrow, and he waits until it is the right time, until we are ready to let go. And then, while the enemy is off rejoicing that he's ruined it for you, God is there, picking up the broken pieces and reassembling them into some strange mosaic you could have never imagined. You created this masterpiece out of all this rubble? All of these shattered mirrors and severed dreams... everything I thought lost... you redeemed.

Redemption. We don't even realize it is happening until it has happened and then we are surprised by joy, surprised by gladness, surprised that it all worked out for good, even though he said so over and over again in that one book. The goodness doesn't knock out the fact that what happened to you, to me, to us, wasn't dark and miserable and lonely and fierce. It is a smile with hard-earned, angel-wrestling tears of gratefulness to have felt very deeply and to continue to survive in spite of such deep hurt.

The bad and difficult events in your life have not happened so that God could do something good with you. They happened because there is an enemy who wants to see you beat down and separated from God. The miracle is that God is bigger than that, so big that he can take the downward spiral you feel like you are on and slowly ease it back to a slow road of recovery, put a bend and hill in here and there, and before you know it you can see how he worked that spiral right into a winding country lane.

It's amazing. And that's one thing I've been dwelling on late in 2008 into 2009. The others will have to wait for another night.

A Soul That Sparkles

2009-01-08T16:19:00.001-05:00

Gemstones, also called precious or semi-precious stones, are pieces of attractive minerals, which — when cut and polished — are used to make jewelry or other adornments. Most gemstones are hard, but some soft minerals are used in jewelry because of their lustre or other physical properties that have aesthetic value. Rarity is another characteristic that lends value to a gemstone (thank you, wikipedia).

We women of 5 stones community church and all women in the body of Christ, should consider ourselves "gemstones" -- God is constantly tumbling us along the shore, cutting away the grime and polishing our souls until they shine: "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Phil. 1:6). Each of us sparkles in unique ways; we are rare, beautiful, gifted, valuable... the apples of His eye.

This blog will serve as a place of reflection on being and becoming a gemstone here -- what is God doing in my life to polish until I shine, or shape until I catch His light just right? How can we work with the Lord to see more clearly the gifts He's given us? What does the Word say about women? What is our role as women in Christ? And how do we come closer to knowing and serving Him?

It will also be a place of resource -- as I read or discover books, websites, videos, tapes, etc. that seem worthwhile in this pursuit to be a woman of God, I'll stick 'em here.

And, of course, there'll be times to just laugh at this existence. God knows we need it, right? We stumble along enough to allow for a few guffaws at our trip-ups.

So, here's to sparkling and shining --

-- Sarah