There are days in our household when our patience with the kids has worn so thin you can see straight through it to burning rage and frustration, and about the time the sun starts to set, that weather-worn sheet of patience just isn't enough anymore to spare our over-stimulated children from the wrath of bedtime. Oh, the sun doesn't set on our anger-- I'm pretty sure the kids know we're not happy with them after the fourteenth time climbing the stairs.
I don't think we're alone in our strife; there's a new book out for adults right now, written in the spirit of bedtime stories, called, Go the %$#@ to Sleep, that in spite of the language captures the essence of bedtime for many families. We're all tired, and somewhere, our kids have picked up a manual on classic manuevers to manipulate Mom and Dad out of going to sleep. Every kid has figured out that going potty, asking for a drink of water, requesting another book, hunting for the one stuffed animal, tucking in, begging for another hug and kiss or song or prayer, etc. will delay the inevitable shutting of the eyes.
The "Battle at Bedtime" boils down to one thing: thy will be done vs. my will be done. I want you to go to sleep, and you want to stay up. One of us is going to lose, and it isn't going to be me.
Your will vs. my will infiltrates every day life, but because of the Super Cape of Patience being sucked away in the tornado of the day, the war is especially heated at bedtime. When that cape disappears earlier in the day, parents everywhere find themselves exerting their wills over their kids whenever they have a chance. Being firm sneaks across the line to force. I know I've crossed the line from firm to controlling when I say no to requests like, "Can I take this toy with me in the car?" or "Can I put on this dress?"
I probably say "this is one of the hardest things about parenting" every time I talk about parenting, but I do believe this is one that ranks high on the list. When we ask for obedience from our kids, is it with their best interests in mind or is it simply because we want them to do what we want them to do? Why are we asking for obedience?
Ephesians 6:4 is explicit about how parents should instruct their kids. Here are two versions:
"Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord." (Amplified)
"Fathers, don't exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master." (The Message)
The Sarah version says something like this, "Mamas and Daddies, don't drive your kids crazy. Love on them, guide them in the ways of Christ, but don't beat them into the ground with your rules." We say over and over again that we want to rear our kids up in the Lord, but I don't think we know what we're talking about. Jesus didn't lay out a bunch of rules, after all, and he didn't guilt his followers into obedience. He didn't beg for love or deny them love because they screwed up. He taught them, disciplined them when they screwed up, and then gave them grace upon grace.
Honestly, it's easier to yell and scream than to follow Christ's example with our kids, but in terms of effectiveness, I think Jesus's way wins. Shocking news. Oh there are times I'd like to yell, Go the $#@% to sleep, for sure, yell instead "GO TO SLEEP!" but nope, surprisingly, that doesn't work either.
So, mamas and daddies, together let's hunt for our Super Capes and do what we can to conquer our own wills and try to do the will of our Father. God help us.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Friday, June 24, 2011
Monday, February 9, 2009
The Baby Bug
Okay, I admit it - I have the baby bug. A combination of recent baby showers, many friends pregnant, and my little man starting to talk and potty train has me thinking it would be fun to do this again. The major hitch in this equation is the husband.
The husband does not one teensy little bit even for a minute want to have more kids. He did at one time -- a long, long time ago when there were no kids in the picture, he was all in favor for a big family... like, 4+, and of course so was I. Am I. But he has been the one at home with our two children under 3 for Elvis's entire life, and half of Lydia's, which makes him justifiably against having any more kids... right now.
I have at least pushed the "maybe later" button, so that the discussion isn't completely sewn up. Maybe after Elvis and Lydia are in preschool, or maybe after he is in or done with graduate school, or maybe after we've got the timing just right... but nothing we have ever timed has actually happened in our timing. That's how it goes.
What complicates this wanting more babies thing for me is that we've been through three miscarriages, two c-sections, one difficult pregnancy and one difficult post-partum NICU experience. After the last miscarriage this summer, I was left with a lot of weird emotions -- the pregnancy was definitely not planned in the first place, I was on birth control, and Brandon was really not ready to have another child in the family. And then we miscarried and were left with sadness and relief and guilt about feeling relieved. I had never been on the "baby not wanted" side of the painting, and it was a strange, awful place to be, especially in light of where we have been in the last four years.
Prior to Elvis and Lydia, we had two miscarriages - one a partial mole pregnancy and another very early miscarriage (4 weeks or so). For the first time since I became a Christian, I was thoroughly pissed at God. Honestly. I couldn't understand why we had to go through miscarriage #2, when we certainly figured out what it felt like to lose the hope of a baby the first go-around. It was an empty, depressed, silent time for me. You know those times in your life when God is so quiet and your grief is so deep that you no longer feel the joy and peace and happiness that had accompanied your faith for so long? I was there.
Brandon and I wanted a family so badly. We started wondering whether I could ever "hold on" to a baby or if we would go through the loss and pain of miscarriage after miscarriage. In a women's Bible study at the time, our group was cross-stitching verses from Scripture on a weekly basis, and about the time I had the second miscarriage, we cross-stitched the verse, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart," and I remember pushing that needle in and out, in and out, attacking the cloth with my thread, "YEAH Right!" I said in my head, "DeLIGHT yourSELF in the LORD! What the heck does that look like?!" Did I mention I was angry?
After that second miscarriage, I couldn't find it in me to rejoice in the Lord, not the way you would think of rejoicing. But what I could do, and did, was list out ten things about God that I needed to cling to during that time of waiting, and healing. It was a list of promises God has made in Scripture about redemption, about how Jesus wept too, about how much he loves me, about salvation, about heaven, about plans and purposes. There are times in our lives when we just aren't feeling it. I'm just not feelin' ya, God. But in the midst of that deep pain and grief, God is there, and if we can't rely on the emotions of our faith during those times, we must rely on our intellect, and if our intellect can't get us there, we have to know in our souls the truths of the Word. We know he loves us, even if all of our circumstances seem to shout otherwise. He loves us, and he is continually working on us.
God pulled me out of my pit of grief slowly, gently. He let me heal at the pace he knew was necessary for that healing to be true. We can't just put band-aids on our wounds and pretend that our injuries are shallow scrapes when they are deep heart-wounds. It won't heal that way. We need to deal with the pain by letting God deal with our pain. I can't tell you how many times I shook my fist up at the sky and asked, "WHY?!" He never answered that question about those first two miscarriages directly, but he redeemed those losses.
Even though the pregnancy this summer wasn't planned, I was excited at the possibilities - concerned about my poor husband and his sanity, yes - but excited. So when we miscarried, I was sad, but the core of my being, the rock that is my salvation, was not shaken. Something between miscarriage #2, live babies, and miscarriage #3 rooted my faith more strongly than it had before. I can't disregard the fact that having two healthy children here to snuggle up with during and after that miscarriage helped soothe the ache, but I also believe that God did a work through all of that fight and grief, something to build me up in a way I could never have done on my own.
So now I'm in this new season again, this season of weepy-eyes when watching television and a baby, any baby, even Shrek babies sneak into the picture. This season of wondering whether I can convince my husband that more kids is a good idea. This season of contemplating whether wanting more kids is a selfish thing or a selfless thing, whether it matters, whether God will bless us with more kids, whether He has "closed up my womb" like he did in the Old Testament, whether our timing will be God's timing, and whether I would be okay with any or all of these possibilities. Right now, I think I would be okay with whatever God proposed, but ask me tomorrow and I might have lost all patience and sense.
Regardless, God loves us, whatever season of life we are in, and He has a purpose for us right this minute - single, married, widowed, pregnant, working, at home with kids, trying to get pregnant - wherever we are we are here for a reason. Cliche as it is, it's true. The trouble we have is finding peace and contentment in the present without losing hope for the things of the future.
FAITH-BUILDING ACTIVITY: What are ten things you know to be true about God, based on Scripture? Think about your current situation and see if you can find verses that speak to it, and if there aren't specific scenarios that come to mind, then what are some truths you can root yourself in, regardless of the situation?
The husband does not one teensy little bit even for a minute want to have more kids. He did at one time -- a long, long time ago when there were no kids in the picture, he was all in favor for a big family... like, 4+, and of course so was I. Am I. But he has been the one at home with our two children under 3 for Elvis's entire life, and half of Lydia's, which makes him justifiably against having any more kids... right now.
I have at least pushed the "maybe later" button, so that the discussion isn't completely sewn up. Maybe after Elvis and Lydia are in preschool, or maybe after he is in or done with graduate school, or maybe after we've got the timing just right... but nothing we have ever timed has actually happened in our timing. That's how it goes.
What complicates this wanting more babies thing for me is that we've been through three miscarriages, two c-sections, one difficult pregnancy and one difficult post-partum NICU experience. After the last miscarriage this summer, I was left with a lot of weird emotions -- the pregnancy was definitely not planned in the first place, I was on birth control, and Brandon was really not ready to have another child in the family. And then we miscarried and were left with sadness and relief and guilt about feeling relieved. I had never been on the "baby not wanted" side of the painting, and it was a strange, awful place to be, especially in light of where we have been in the last four years.
Prior to Elvis and Lydia, we had two miscarriages - one a partial mole pregnancy and another very early miscarriage (4 weeks or so). For the first time since I became a Christian, I was thoroughly pissed at God. Honestly. I couldn't understand why we had to go through miscarriage #2, when we certainly figured out what it felt like to lose the hope of a baby the first go-around. It was an empty, depressed, silent time for me. You know those times in your life when God is so quiet and your grief is so deep that you no longer feel the joy and peace and happiness that had accompanied your faith for so long? I was there.
Brandon and I wanted a family so badly. We started wondering whether I could ever "hold on" to a baby or if we would go through the loss and pain of miscarriage after miscarriage. In a women's Bible study at the time, our group was cross-stitching verses from Scripture on a weekly basis, and about the time I had the second miscarriage, we cross-stitched the verse, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart," and I remember pushing that needle in and out, in and out, attacking the cloth with my thread, "YEAH Right!" I said in my head, "DeLIGHT yourSELF in the LORD! What the heck does that look like?!" Did I mention I was angry?
After that second miscarriage, I couldn't find it in me to rejoice in the Lord, not the way you would think of rejoicing. But what I could do, and did, was list out ten things about God that I needed to cling to during that time of waiting, and healing. It was a list of promises God has made in Scripture about redemption, about how Jesus wept too, about how much he loves me, about salvation, about heaven, about plans and purposes. There are times in our lives when we just aren't feeling it. I'm just not feelin' ya, God. But in the midst of that deep pain and grief, God is there, and if we can't rely on the emotions of our faith during those times, we must rely on our intellect, and if our intellect can't get us there, we have to know in our souls the truths of the Word. We know he loves us, even if all of our circumstances seem to shout otherwise. He loves us, and he is continually working on us.
God pulled me out of my pit of grief slowly, gently. He let me heal at the pace he knew was necessary for that healing to be true. We can't just put band-aids on our wounds and pretend that our injuries are shallow scrapes when they are deep heart-wounds. It won't heal that way. We need to deal with the pain by letting God deal with our pain. I can't tell you how many times I shook my fist up at the sky and asked, "WHY?!" He never answered that question about those first two miscarriages directly, but he redeemed those losses.
Even though the pregnancy this summer wasn't planned, I was excited at the possibilities - concerned about my poor husband and his sanity, yes - but excited. So when we miscarried, I was sad, but the core of my being, the rock that is my salvation, was not shaken. Something between miscarriage #2, live babies, and miscarriage #3 rooted my faith more strongly than it had before. I can't disregard the fact that having two healthy children here to snuggle up with during and after that miscarriage helped soothe the ache, but I also believe that God did a work through all of that fight and grief, something to build me up in a way I could never have done on my own.
So now I'm in this new season again, this season of weepy-eyes when watching television and a baby, any baby, even Shrek babies sneak into the picture. This season of wondering whether I can convince my husband that more kids is a good idea. This season of contemplating whether wanting more kids is a selfish thing or a selfless thing, whether it matters, whether God will bless us with more kids, whether He has "closed up my womb" like he did in the Old Testament, whether our timing will be God's timing, and whether I would be okay with any or all of these possibilities. Right now, I think I would be okay with whatever God proposed, but ask me tomorrow and I might have lost all patience and sense.
Regardless, God loves us, whatever season of life we are in, and He has a purpose for us right this minute - single, married, widowed, pregnant, working, at home with kids, trying to get pregnant - wherever we are we are here for a reason. Cliche as it is, it's true. The trouble we have is finding peace and contentment in the present without losing hope for the things of the future.
FAITH-BUILDING ACTIVITY: What are ten things you know to be true about God, based on Scripture? Think about your current situation and see if you can find verses that speak to it, and if there aren't specific scenarios that come to mind, then what are some truths you can root yourself in, regardless of the situation?
Monday, January 19, 2009
Faith, Family, and Electric Carving Knives
This weekend the fam and I went home to visit our extended families, since it was a longer weekend. Family has become increasingly important to me (in my old age, ah ah ah), and I find myself longing to be closer to home. On my way home to Ashland tonight, I started thinking about home and how we relate to our family members those things that are most important to us.
When I first became a believer, I was gung-ho nutso about sharing my newfound hope with my parents, friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers, and pretty much any poor sap who happened to cross my path. I even entered into a scary debate with a guy on a sailboat in Australia about evolution. It was heated. I was irrational and emotional. It was embarrassing.
It can be so hard to show our love and how we've been changed by God to family, especially, because they all know we're not that great. It's a whole lot harder to fool family with our holy acts than it is our church friends. They know us too well to believe that God made it all 100% better and now we're a no-sinning saint. Ba-loney.
Anyway, I went on a Bible-buying spree. Anyone related to me got a Bible - birthdays, Christmases, I made sure that a Bible would be in-hand, and that it would be somehow user-friendly (study Bibles, women's application Bibles, etc.). I wanted to share the wealth of Scripture - I had found so many truths, so much hope, from its pages, and I just couldn't keep myself from gushing about God. It was great fun!
But, as I am with all things, I kind of got impatient with the Holy Spirit. They had these amazing books within reach and yet weren't taking advantage of them! I could picture these books sitting on shelves or stashed away in closets like the two electric knives Brandon and I got for our wedding - sharp, shiny, powerful, even, but completely unused and therefore rather useless, except for the special occasion - like Thanksgiving - when one might want to carve a turkey in electric super-speed, double-fisted vibrating knife fashion.
I found a Bible up in one of the bedrooms this weekend. I gave it to my brother a few years ago after I found out he gave his life to Christ at a youth retreat. It was still in the box - the gold-leaf pages still stuck together when I flipped through it. At first, you might think that this is a sign of disregard - maybe disinterest. I would have, if I had found it a few years earlier. But my brother isn't much of a reader. He's a listener. He cares deeply about people. And this weekend, I hung out with my brother and his fiancee for a while, and we talked about faith and God and the Bible and their church. We also line danced and laughed and had a few drinks.
What I've come to realize recently is that God has his own timing. God moves in people's lives in many, many different ways. Even though the physical Word of God spoke loudest to me as a new believer, others come to know him in other ways - maybe it is worship music on a Sunday morning that brings along some stirring in one's soul. Maybe it is the kindness and love of a friend that speaks ten times louder than the words in a book. Maybe it is "through the back door" as the modern poet, Mary Karr, says about her alcoholism and prayer and the Holy Spirit, first, and then Jesus Christ.
Whatever way it is, what is most important for me is that it does not depend upon me. It is the Holy Spirit's job to use us however he can, we just have to make ourselves available. What a relief it is to know that it isn't up to me alone to save family, friends, or strangers. The Lord stirs people's hearts in strange ways, and if we have made ourselves open to discussing the experiences we have had, it is a seed that the Farmer can sow, and one day, without our even being aware, there will be this amazing vine growing and showing off its fruits.
One last thought - if you are feeling discouraged or impatient with family in regards to spiritual matters, remember that even Jesus Christ's brothers doubted him, and it wasn't until after Jesus died and was resurrected that James became one of his own brother's disciples. Faith is a funny creature; there's no predicting how or when it will grow in someone's heart. What we can do, however, is follow Christ's commandment to love one another - can we do something so daring as to show love to our family members, those people it is so easy to disregard - mostly because they are stuck with us? And, pray. Pray, pray, pray. The Holy Spirit can work across the miles and in our own homes when we're sure we've done enough to annoy them with our holy-roller stories of how God is the greatest and I'm saved and you should be too so accept him already okay?!? As a consolation (LOL I had constellation before) prize, here's an electric carving knife...
When I first became a believer, I was gung-ho nutso about sharing my newfound hope with my parents, friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers, and pretty much any poor sap who happened to cross my path. I even entered into a scary debate with a guy on a sailboat in Australia about evolution. It was heated. I was irrational and emotional. It was embarrassing.
It can be so hard to show our love and how we've been changed by God to family, especially, because they all know we're not that great. It's a whole lot harder to fool family with our holy acts than it is our church friends. They know us too well to believe that God made it all 100% better and now we're a no-sinning saint. Ba-loney.
Anyway, I went on a Bible-buying spree. Anyone related to me got a Bible - birthdays, Christmases, I made sure that a Bible would be in-hand, and that it would be somehow user-friendly (study Bibles, women's application Bibles, etc.). I wanted to share the wealth of Scripture - I had found so many truths, so much hope, from its pages, and I just couldn't keep myself from gushing about God. It was great fun!
But, as I am with all things, I kind of got impatient with the Holy Spirit. They had these amazing books within reach and yet weren't taking advantage of them! I could picture these books sitting on shelves or stashed away in closets like the two electric knives Brandon and I got for our wedding - sharp, shiny, powerful, even, but completely unused and therefore rather useless, except for the special occasion - like Thanksgiving - when one might want to carve a turkey in electric super-speed, double-fisted vibrating knife fashion.
I found a Bible up in one of the bedrooms this weekend. I gave it to my brother a few years ago after I found out he gave his life to Christ at a youth retreat. It was still in the box - the gold-leaf pages still stuck together when I flipped through it. At first, you might think that this is a sign of disregard - maybe disinterest. I would have, if I had found it a few years earlier. But my brother isn't much of a reader. He's a listener. He cares deeply about people. And this weekend, I hung out with my brother and his fiancee for a while, and we talked about faith and God and the Bible and their church. We also line danced and laughed and had a few drinks.
What I've come to realize recently is that God has his own timing. God moves in people's lives in many, many different ways. Even though the physical Word of God spoke loudest to me as a new believer, others come to know him in other ways - maybe it is worship music on a Sunday morning that brings along some stirring in one's soul. Maybe it is the kindness and love of a friend that speaks ten times louder than the words in a book. Maybe it is "through the back door" as the modern poet, Mary Karr, says about her alcoholism and prayer and the Holy Spirit, first, and then Jesus Christ.
Whatever way it is, what is most important for me is that it does not depend upon me. It is the Holy Spirit's job to use us however he can, we just have to make ourselves available. What a relief it is to know that it isn't up to me alone to save family, friends, or strangers. The Lord stirs people's hearts in strange ways, and if we have made ourselves open to discussing the experiences we have had, it is a seed that the Farmer can sow, and one day, without our even being aware, there will be this amazing vine growing and showing off its fruits.
One last thought - if you are feeling discouraged or impatient with family in regards to spiritual matters, remember that even Jesus Christ's brothers doubted him, and it wasn't until after Jesus died and was resurrected that James became one of his own brother's disciples. Faith is a funny creature; there's no predicting how or when it will grow in someone's heart. What we can do, however, is follow Christ's commandment to love one another - can we do something so daring as to show love to our family members, those people it is so easy to disregard - mostly because they are stuck with us? And, pray. Pray, pray, pray. The Holy Spirit can work across the miles and in our own homes when we're sure we've done enough to annoy them with our holy-roller stories of how God is the greatest and I'm saved and you should be too so accept him already okay?!? As a consolation (LOL I had constellation before) prize, here's an electric carving knife...
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